amtolle

Facing the Unknown

I am a person who likes to have everything planned out, not just for a day but for a year and further. I want to know where I am going and what I am doing. Since my husband’s dismissal from work, our plans for the future have disappeared, or at least the clarity of the vision. Things are changing and we do not know what all the change is. Currently I am functioning with unknown plans. Flying blind as some would say. There are more questions than answers. The struggle is being prepared for the unknown change that is coming.

Attitude determines altitude, I have always believed. Not knowing what the next month or year is going to be like, sends my mind on a thinking rollercoaster. We are looking at this unknow change like an adventure. We know certain facts will not change, such as we are going to have to sell our home and move. We can work on preparing for the sale and move.

Depending on where this flight is taking my husband and I, we do know the destination, we have started decluttering our processions in preparation for a move and change. There are three classifications for items we are not using or have not used in a year – give away, sell or throw away pile. Items with memories are being sent to my children, items they were going to receive when I no longer used them. Items that are useful, but unsure if we are going to need them such as extra beds are being sold. Then there is the throw away pile which is recyclable items and just plain trash.

How does a person decided what to sell and what to keep? Currently we are selling or giving away those items we do not use daily.

Extra beds used for when family visits are being sold. We do not know how big of a house we are going to be able to purchase, so we are getting rid of furniture we only use for family visits. We figure we can buy or build beds if we need to.

Then there are the sheep. I raise sheep for a small income. What am I to do with the sheep? and the horses? One factor in making a small income with the sheep is where we live has grass for feed most of the year. Locations he has been applying for work, has very little grass for feed. Will I need to sell them all or just some?

There are more questions than answers. When couples face unknown times, they can blame one another for the situation they are in. Determining the pathway or decisions to be made can pull at a couple, cause wounds and walls to form and perhaps destroying the relationship. Or they can pull together seeing the unknown as a time for growth and strength building as individuals, as a couple and their relationship. The answers will appear in time after prayer, decisions and moving forward. The shape of our relationship takes will be determined by us. We are on an this adventure together.

Life is an unknown adventure for everyone. We do not know what tomorrow brings. We can plan for tomorrow, but until tomorrow becomes today, tomorrow in itself is unknown.

amtolle

Job Hunting

Since my husband was let go by his employer, we have been job hunting. There have been a lot of changes in how to look and apply for work in the past decade, and a lot more changes since we both first began looking for work in our youth. When I started working in the late 1970’s, I would walk into a business, meet a person, receive a paper application and fill in the information. There was contact with a person, and first impressions were made when you asked for the application. Wow, has looking for work changed!

Today, all applications are done via the internet. There is no going to a business, meeting a person and getting a paper application to fill out. If you walk into a business, you are told to go to the website or download an app to apply for work. The application is filled out using the computer and no human contact. Most businesses want a resume as well as the application.

Once the application and resume are submitted, once more a person does not see them, they are sorted by a computer program. The computer program sifts through the information provided, and determines if certain qualifications are met. If the program determines you possess the proper education, skills and work experience desired, then a person is notified of your application and resume. Finally a person to see what you have submitted. If the person thinks you are more qualified than another applicant, there may be a telephone call or email scheduling an interview.

I have been on a learning adventure. With the help of my daughter and a person at the workforce center, I have learned how to write a resume. Only you can not write just one resume. Each position you are applying has different requirements and key words the program is looking for to consider you a valid candidate for the job. So in order to be consider, a resume has to be written for each position being applied for.

Having a work history through several decades creates a long work history. But resumes are to be short. Most employers only want the last ten years. Then there are jobs you want to apply for, but it has been ten years since you worked in that field. Resumes are tricky to write. Short, simple and to the point is what is needed in a resume today. The work experience of previous jobs beyond ten years becomes skills.

Interviews, a few are in person, but most are teleconference calls with two or more people asking questions over a telephone. The applicant is still not answering a person face to face. How does a person tell if someone is not being truthful when you do not see a face. If the applicant presents themselves well through the teleconference call, then they will be asked for a in person interview. If you are not chosen for the position, you are informed via email.

Our world has changed. We shop online. If we do go to a store, we self check out. We learn classes or certifications online. We have doctor visits online. We apply for jobs online. So much of our lives is being done without contact with another human being. Our lives are becoming interactions with a sterile, unemotional, and often through a program connection to a machine. There is no warmth, no greeting, and no acknowledgement that you are truly alive.

I can not stop the way everything is going to technology without human interaction. I can not change the direction. I must work within the system. But I do not have to like it.

amtolle

December and Christmas

Today is December 2, 2022, twenty-three days until Christmas. This Christmas is different for us. My husband was dismissed from work the middle of November and been looking for work. He has had one job interview and another one scheduled for next week. The jobs he is applying and getting responses for are not in our immediate area of Texas. Meaning if he is offered the job, he will accept and we will have to move.

Moving for us in no easy feat. We have farm equipment, 40 head of sheep some with lambs, a few horses and dogs, along with a winter’s supply of hay. Then there is the house.

When we purchased our home fourteen years ago, I started updating the rooms, one at a time. I am halfway done with the last room, the master bedroom and bathroom. I will need to complete this room before we can sell. But first, I have to clear all the tools and stored items out of the master bathroom. I have kept my tools and building materials in the master bathroom while doing the other bedrooms and bathrooms. Now is time to work on the last part of the home.

Since September, we have been going through our processions and getting rid of those items we no longer want or use. Preparing for an eventual move closer to my daughter, her husband, her daughter and the triplets. We have been organizing to make it easier to find things we need to use. All this takes time.

Now I have a deadline to get the work done, although I do not know the exact date. My husband and I have enjoyed cleaning out tool boxes and sheds, clearing paths and getting rid of the old. We do work very good together.

It is December, the time of my favorite holiday – Christmas. I decorate the home for floor to ceiling in every room for Christmas. We enjoy the Christmas atmosphere with the many reminders of Christmas past and the future of more Christmases together. This year will be different. We are preparing to move. Clearing out unnecessary items and packing things we want to keep in preparation of moving.

This Christmas will be a simple Christmas – a tree, our stockings and a couple of wreaths. It will still be Christmas, the Christmas of 2022.

amtolle

See Spot Jump

I hope everyone had a pleasant and thankful Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was in a way, a disaster. My husband’s daughter became very dramatic about a statement she had said and was held accountable for the statement. It caused me to have a PTSD moment, and I left the house. I went and stayed somewhere else for the night. The next day I returned home, and she and her children left on Saturday morning.

After they had left, my husband sat me down for a serious talk, something he very rarely does. My husband made a rule, “You are to never leave your home again. If anyone leaves it will be them, not you. This is your home and you are my wife.”

I am so very thankful for my husband. We hope things work out with his children and me, but they refuse to accept me. We can not control others or how they feel or what they want.

To get his wife out of the deep depression that accompanies a PTSD moment, my husband decided we were going to the sale barn. I am happy at the sale barn and around the people there. We went to the sale barn to visit and get away from the house. I was going to check the market, but buying was not a thought. Winter feed is expensive this year, we are going to hold on to what we have and not add more sheep. We arrived just minutes before the sale was to start. I found a friend inside and sat down to talk with him a bit. My husband stopped to talk to someone outside.

The sale started. The first animal up for bid, a bottle baby goat. The auctioneer was calling for a bid of $50 USD. I asked my friend if it was a billy or nanny. He said a billy. I could use a billy. The auctioneer continued to drop the price calling for someone to bid. When the bid reached $5.00 USD, I raised a hand. The auctioneer called for a $10.00 USD bid and a couple of hands went up. The auctioneer looked at me, $15.00 USD was the next call, I nodded. When the auctioneers gavel fell, I had purchased a bottle baby billy goat about 4 days old for $25.00 USD. Right after the gavel fell, my husband walks in next to the sale ring. The ring man pushed the baby goat towards him,”This is yours.” he said with a big grin. My husband took the goat and laid it in my lap where I was sitting.

We sat and watched the sale for about an hour with the little goat sleeping in my arms. It dawned on us we did not bring a checkbook or have cash on hand to pay for any animals, we were not going to buy. My husband left to find an ATM to get cash to pay for our new addition. After the bill was paid, we headed home as the little guy needed to be fed.

Taking care of a bottle baby goat or lamb is very much like taking care of a human baby. You have to mix formula, and feed by bottle every four hours around the clock. Since it is too cold outside for a lone baby goat or lamb to stay at night, we took a dog crate and made our new addition a place to stay in the house. I do not like to go outside in the dark and cold to bottle feed a baby goat or lamb in my pajamas. The next day we made a “play pen” for the baby goat to be outside in protected from the adult sheep and goats. Adult sheep and goats do not treat babies nicely that are not their own.

This is not the first time I have had a bottle baby in the house. My beloved sheep, PeeWee, was a bottle baby lamb. It brought back happy memories as this little goat walked, bounced and jumped in the house following my every step. The sound of pattering little feet.

Next is to find a name for our little goat. I was thinking of my five year old granddaughter, and an old reading primer from first grade. “See Spot. See Spot run.”

His name is Spot. Spot likes to run, climb, bounce, jump with the joy of just being alive and a happy goat.

Yes, my husband knows how to get his wife out of a deep depression – take her to the sheep and goat sale barn.

amtolle

“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”

Growing up and the majority of my lifetime I lived where having a white Christmas was part of the Christmas decorations created by mother nature. Around Halloween the first snow would arrive, large feathery snowflakes whirling slowly downward in the still and quiet night arousing the Christmas spirit for the year. My favorite time of the year.

By Christmas, there would be several snowmen taking up residence in the yard. Birds and mule deer would wonder in curious about our new temporary residents and to check out the food stored in the barn for the horses and chickens.

Since moving to Texas, I have very rarely seen snow. The opportunity to make a snowman has occurred only once, and not around Christmas. I work at creating my own Christmas wonderland. Instead of mule deer wandering into the yard, I have lighted metal framed deer to remind me of years past. There are plenty of birds who visit, and cardinals. Growing up the area I lived in had very few if any cardinals. I decorate with artificial trees in the yard creating a forest where my artificial deer hide. The lights are hung on the house eaves and the trees lighting up the area I have decorated with a manger and various other seasonal decorations.

Yet, I miss the guardians of Christmas past, the snowmen. Each year I purchase one new Christmas decoration for my collection. This year I was planning on the purchase of a snowman and snowwoman. But money has become tight, so there will be no snow people in my Christmas yard.

Each year when I am writing Christmas cards with letters for each person on my list, I think of Christmas at “home”. Like the song, “White Christmas”, I will be home for Christmas if only in my mind. And perhaps just a Christmas wish for a white Christmas this year in Texas.

amtolle

Writer’s Block

The questions and thoughts twirl in my mind like a tornado, yet I am unsure and unable to put a word down on a resume. I have watched tutorials on how to write a good resume. Resume format has changed in the last decade. Yet, all that has come to paper is my name and contact information.

I have not been slack the past eleven years. I have worked at raising horses for five years and the last six years I have been raising sheep. I worked remodeling and updating our home. Building a storage shed and four shelters plus fencing on the farm. There are daily duties performed regardless of the weather. But how does a person write this down for a resume.

I have been writing this blog for almost a year. Although some of the blogs are below average in my opinion, I have not had writer’s block, the inability to words to thoughts. I have started a novel, somedays the words fly from my mind to my fingers, other days there is a bit of struggle on how to word those thoughts, but the words appear. Then I started composing my resume and every thought disappeared.

Writer’s block where not a word even wants to appear, just plain void. It affected more than just the resume, I could not even respond to a text message from my daughter. If I had to put a word down in written format, my mind was totally blank.

I have never experienced a totally blank brain. My mind is always racing with thoughts and ideas. But two days ago, the mind was totally blank, froze up like a computer without a reset button.

Then yesterday, my husband and I worked on some steps for our backdoor. The warm sunshine, the simple painting with a paint brush back and forth covering every inch of wood. Our conversation of forward plans for our future, not words of resumes or job applications. Plain simple conversation and physical work with visits from the dogs, sheep and goats, the dam in my mind started leaking. As with any dam that begins to leak, more and more thoughts and information poured forth removing the blockage and freeing the stream of thoughts.

The writer’s block has a few remnants remaining, but I am sure with time those small blockages will move down the stream. I will remember where the reset button is on my mind should I ever freeze up with writer’s block in the future.

amtolle

Changes in Life’s Journey

Life is a journey with twists, turns, hills, valleys and rainbows. Each travels a pathway seeking a destination all their own. Sometimes those pathways cross others, or are shared for awhile.

When we start this journey of life we are children, traveling with our parent or parents, traveling the path the parent is traveling. As teenagers, we start wanting our own path, one that is close by, but yet separate. The security of being able to return to the path of our parent is a comfort when the path gets hard or difficult, or we reach a crossroads and unsure of where we are going. Gradually the path separates, and we are traveling our own journey through life.

For some of us, we are blessed with having someone to travel the path with. Having a partner to travel beside you on the journey of life is not an easy tasks. The twists, turns, hills, valleys are all there, only each can help the other, leading support and assistance when needed. Crossroads can be a challenge as both must agree on which path to take in order to travel together. There are times while traveling with a partner, that one of the partners has a harder time traveling that pathway, or the path chosen is more difficult for one, yet both are affected.

When life events changes things, and the path that was once smooth becomes difficult, a partnership can get stronger or be destroyed depending on how each reacts to the situation. Life events such as family deaths, injuries, loss of income or age can cause the partnership to be challenged.

My husband and I have been through so tough times. Being angry at each other during the difficult times does not make it easier to choose a path or to make the pathway smoother. It is hard to make good choices with high and hostile emotions.

Recently, my husband was released from his job, first time he has ever been fired. We were both angry, but not angry at each other. While there is evidence of discrimination, not enough on paper to make a winning case. I was aware of this job being a hostile environment for my husband. The tension after work was very apparent. He would be required to answer the phone calls from his supervisors, even on his days off, and not get paid. There were times his vacations and days off were cancelled as he was required to be at work as there was no one able to cover, and his supervisor was not going to.

Yes, we are without an income at this moment. Strangely, I am pleased he is not working for this company any longer. I tolerated the sharp remarks, quiet moodiness from him having a tough day at work. When his days off would come, it would take a full day for him to relax to work on the place with me, then a phone call would come and the mood be ruined.

Today, four days after him being dismissed. He was relaxed and calm. The best I have felt him be. We should be stressed about finances. The path should feel rocky, steep, dangerous, and yet, we both feel the pathway is smooth. We have a plan on how to get through this part of our life journey.

Today I had my partner, the one I married years ago. It felt good.

amtolle

The Challenge

Standing at where the narrow steep path spits in several directions. She knows where she wants to go, where she wants to be. How to get there is the dilemma. This is not her first crossroads, there have been other cross roads on her journey. At a few she made the decision she thought was right, only to have the pathway end at a cliff, from there she had to make her own path. Fighting and climbing to reach a place of relative safety, yet not where she wanted to be.

Once, she choose a path, the going was hard but not difficult. As she traveled, the ground started falling away before her. She turned to go back, the path was gone. The ground gave way under her feet. Falling seemed to take forever, then the searing pain through out her whole body as she hit the rocks below.

The extreme pain kept her paralyzed for awhile. With great determination, she gradually began to crawl, to move forward. With time her injuries healed, leaving scars and a limp as evidence of her trial. An inward drive keeps her going to where she wants to be. The place is said to be heaven, a place of no struggles and sunshine.

Today, she feels she is wearing a blindfold, unable to see past the decision she has to make. She is scared of where the path she chooses may lead her. Will it be closer to her destination or on a pathway where the ground disappears once more? Make a decision she will, and travel the path with hopes of reaching her destination.

So it is with the challenges we face. Life events happen and we are faced with decisions, not knowing where the whole pathway leads. Life events may be a change in income, a natural disaster or a biological event such as Covid. Perhaps it is a happy event such as a union or children.

A couple of days back, my husband was released from his job, our main income. Today we face decisions on what pathway to take. There are several choices to decide from, but which one is best? Regardless of the pathway we take, we will work together striving to reach our goals and dreams and growing stronger because of it.

Challenges give us the opportunity to grow, to become stronger. How we face the challenge and proceed forward determines our destination.

amtolle

First Cold Snap

The air is cold, and I have spent the past two days getting ready for the freeze that was coming our way. I do not care much for the cold. Where I live there is not frosty wonderland to see the morning of a freeze, everything covered with frosty crystals. Here when there is a freeze, it is ice covering everything.

To prep for the freeze I gave the dogs in the kennels a fresh bed of wool to help stay warm. I do raise hair sheep, but there are times that even this breed of sheep needs to be sheared. I shear the wool and hair from the top of the back on the show sheep and the first year sheep. First year sheep have a harder time shedding the lamb hair, so I give them some assistance by shearing them the first year. This wool I store in order to use for dog bedding in the cold, icy winter months.

The dogs enjoy their nice soft wool beds, except one. This year we have a young male Akbash cross pup, Bruno (We don’t talk about Bruno…lol). He is eight months old and doing his job protecting the sheep. The livestock guard dogs do not stay in the kennel, but they have a dog house to get out of the weather if needed. I put a nice bed in his house, the next morning all the wool was scattered around his dog house and in the sheep pen. I am not sure how much time he spends in his house for protection from the weather but it is there if he chooses to. The nice wool bed I provided for his sleeping comfort, he decided would be more fun to play with. I can try to help improve their lives, but ultimately it is up to the dog in making the choice to sleep in the shelter and on the bed provided.

I have shelters for the horses and sheep. My favorite mare, My Sweet Victoria, would not use a shelter for years. She would stand outside, and have everyone stand outside with her during the storms. It has only been the past three years she has decided it was ok to use a shelter during a storm. She has had the same shelter for twelve years, and only started using it three years ago. Her two pen mates are happy they are able to use the shelter. My Sweet Victoria is not happy while using the shelter, she is very nervous, but she has figured it is better to be dry than happy.

I have also been prepping the lambing barn. I am close to lambing time again. I do not like lambing in the cold months of the year as there is more work to do. I make sure the lambing pens have shavings for the floor and the heat lamps are working correctly. In the cold months, the newborn lambs need extra heat for a few days, especially at night. The mamas and babies stay in the lambing pens for about three days, then they rejoin the flock. The babies have learned who mama is, gained some strength and are good to return with their moms to the flock.

Last month I made sure the water lines and other areas are winterized for the cold months ahead. Since I do not have the ewes in the lambing barn until they are ready to lamb, I have to prepare it just before lambing and between ewes.

Today, we are set for the cold months ahead, except Bruno who scattered his bed. Ooops, we don’t talk about Bruno….lol

amtolle

Preparing for Thanksgiving

This year we are having my husband’s daughter and her family down for Thanksgiving. Along with her and her family of four children, she is bringing down a boyfriend to meet her father.

They have been seeing each other for a least two years. Their relationship is getting serious. Her children like him, and his children like her, and the children like each other. A big positive for a relationship of blended families to work. Thanksgiving we are meeting the boyfriend.

A week ago, I was calling to confirm the dates they would be here to visit, and getting a commitment on staying at our house. My husband’s daughter, Ms. T, jokes just like her dad. I made some reply and heard him in the background with a reply and I said something back. Soon he was on speaker phone, and then he and I talked for two hours. He was mostly asking questions and learning about me and the farm.

It is common being nervous meeting the parents and vice versa, meeting in the boyfriend. At the beginning of the conversation with Ms. T, she was sharing about flying in an airplane to meet his family. She relayed we could fly to Colorado and visit them this summer. We were joking back and forth on why I do not fly anymore. I mentioned the reason being no place to escape during an anxiety attack when you are thousands of feet in the air, from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He heard I had PTSD. He also has PTSD.

We had common ground. He began talking. He asked for me to share the event, I do not share the event. Then we discussed my triggers and his triggers, both of us wanting to avoid exposing the other to triggers during their visit. Then the conversation moved to horses, as he wants to learn how to be around and eventually get on a horse. From the horses the conversation evolved to nationalities, spiritualism and cooking. After two to three hours of conversation, he was excited to come for a visit. He was no longer nervous and wanting to be option of staying in a hotel. His last words of the conversation, “Yes, we will be staying at your house”.

I never thought a condition I suffer with daily, would be used to open the door for a relationship. This man is important to Ms. T and I am glad that with our conversation, he is more comfortable about coming down and meeting the father.

Now I am busy preparing the house for six people. Getting beds ready that have sit vacant for four months, dusting and clearing cobwebs out of the spare bedrooms, moving the extra boxes I have stored in one room to the storage building. Determining the menu and making sure there will be enough food and drinks for their visit.

I am even thinking of putting up the Christmas decorations early. As we will not have family here for Christmas, and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I am thinking of combining the Thanksgiving and Christmas in one celebration this year.

amtolle