See Spot Jump

I hope everyone had a pleasant and thankful Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was in a way, a disaster. My husband’s daughter became very dramatic about a statement she had said and was held accountable for the statement. It caused me to have a PTSD moment, and I left the house. I went and stayed somewhere else for the night. The next day I returned home, and she and her children left on Saturday morning.

After they had left, my husband sat me down for a serious talk, something he very rarely does. My husband made a rule, “You are to never leave your home again. If anyone leaves it will be them, not you. This is your home and you are my wife.”

I am so very thankful for my husband. We hope things work out with his children and me, but they refuse to accept me. We can not control others or how they feel or what they want.

To get his wife out of the deep depression that accompanies a PTSD moment, my husband decided we were going to the sale barn. I am happy at the sale barn and around the people there. We went to the sale barn to visit and get away from the house. I was going to check the market, but buying was not a thought. Winter feed is expensive this year, we are going to hold on to what we have and not add more sheep. We arrived just minutes before the sale was to start. I found a friend inside and sat down to talk with him a bit. My husband stopped to talk to someone outside.

The sale started. The first animal up for bid, a bottle baby goat. The auctioneer was calling for a bid of $50 USD. I asked my friend if it was a billy or nanny. He said a billy. I could use a billy. The auctioneer continued to drop the price calling for someone to bid. When the bid reached $5.00 USD, I raised a hand. The auctioneer called for a $10.00 USD bid and a couple of hands went up. The auctioneer looked at me, $15.00 USD was the next call, I nodded. When the auctioneers gavel fell, I had purchased a bottle baby billy goat about 4 days old for $25.00 USD. Right after the gavel fell, my husband walks in next to the sale ring. The ring man pushed the baby goat towards him,”This is yours.” he said with a big grin. My husband took the goat and laid it in my lap where I was sitting.

We sat and watched the sale for about an hour with the little goat sleeping in my arms. It dawned on us we did not bring a checkbook or have cash on hand to pay for any animals, we were not going to buy. My husband left to find an ATM to get cash to pay for our new addition. After the bill was paid, we headed home as the little guy needed to be fed.

Taking care of a bottle baby goat or lamb is very much like taking care of a human baby. You have to mix formula, and feed by bottle every four hours around the clock. Since it is too cold outside for a lone baby goat or lamb to stay at night, we took a dog crate and made our new addition a place to stay in the house. I do not like to go outside in the dark and cold to bottle feed a baby goat or lamb in my pajamas. The next day we made a “play pen” for the baby goat to be outside in protected from the adult sheep and goats. Adult sheep and goats do not treat babies nicely that are not their own.

This is not the first time I have had a bottle baby in the house. My beloved sheep, PeeWee, was a bottle baby lamb. It brought back happy memories as this little goat walked, bounced and jumped in the house following my every step. The sound of pattering little feet.

Next is to find a name for our little goat. I was thinking of my five year old granddaughter, and an old reading primer from first grade. “See Spot. See Spot run.”

His name is Spot. Spot likes to run, climb, bounce, jump with the joy of just being alive and a happy goat.

Yes, my husband knows how to get his wife out of a deep depression – take her to the sheep and goat sale barn.

amtolle

Preparing for Thanksgiving

This year we are having my husband’s daughter and her family down for Thanksgiving. Along with her and her family of four children, she is bringing down a boyfriend to meet her father.

They have been seeing each other for a least two years. Their relationship is getting serious. Her children like him, and his children like her, and the children like each other. A big positive for a relationship of blended families to work. Thanksgiving we are meeting the boyfriend.

A week ago, I was calling to confirm the dates they would be here to visit, and getting a commitment on staying at our house. My husband’s daughter, Ms. T, jokes just like her dad. I made some reply and heard him in the background with a reply and I said something back. Soon he was on speaker phone, and then he and I talked for two hours. He was mostly asking questions and learning about me and the farm.

It is common being nervous meeting the parents and vice versa, meeting in the boyfriend. At the beginning of the conversation with Ms. T, she was sharing about flying in an airplane to meet his family. She relayed we could fly to Colorado and visit them this summer. We were joking back and forth on why I do not fly anymore. I mentioned the reason being no place to escape during an anxiety attack when you are thousands of feet in the air, from the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He heard I had PTSD. He also has PTSD.

We had common ground. He began talking. He asked for me to share the event, I do not share the event. Then we discussed my triggers and his triggers, both of us wanting to avoid exposing the other to triggers during their visit. Then the conversation moved to horses, as he wants to learn how to be around and eventually get on a horse. From the horses the conversation evolved to nationalities, spiritualism and cooking. After two to three hours of conversation, he was excited to come for a visit. He was no longer nervous and wanting to be option of staying in a hotel. His last words of the conversation, “Yes, we will be staying at your house”.

I never thought a condition I suffer with daily, would be used to open the door for a relationship. This man is important to Ms. T and I am glad that with our conversation, he is more comfortable about coming down and meeting the father.

Now I am busy preparing the house for six people. Getting beds ready that have sit vacant for four months, dusting and clearing cobwebs out of the spare bedrooms, moving the extra boxes I have stored in one room to the storage building. Determining the menu and making sure there will be enough food and drinks for their visit.

I am even thinking of putting up the Christmas decorations early. As we will not have family here for Christmas, and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I am thinking of combining the Thanksgiving and Christmas in one celebration this year.

amtolle

A Quote for a Lifetime

My Grandson at 3 years saying “Hello” to Sis

There is nothing better for the inside of a man that the outside of a horse.

John Lubbock/Winston Churchill

I am a certified horse trainer and riding instructor, although I no longer train others horses or do lessons. I have spent years teaching youth to ride. I worked with different organizations introducing the horse and teaching youth who had never been around the majestic animal.

“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined” — from the Ode to the Horse by Ronald Duncan, created for Horse of the Year Show

My stallion and I together

The horse, with beauty unsurpassed, strength immeasurable and grace unlike any other, still remains humble enough to carry a man upon his back”

 Amber Senti

A horse is powerful, graceful and athletic and can hear your heart beat as you walk up to them. They can feel each and every muscle in your body as you sit in the saddle. There movement is silk beneath your legs.

Yet, can be gentle as a kitten.

My 3 year old grandson and a 6 month old colt.

Horses are used in physical rehabilitation or physical therapy called hippotherapy. The movement of the horse stimulates every muscle of the rider without strain on the rider’s muscles. Horses are being used in the United States to help service men and women with the emotional stresses due to combat.

My son-in-law on his first time ride and being around horses, coached by my daughter.

amtolle

One Life Lesson

Photo by ZEG Photo on Pexels.com

Bloganaury 14 we are asked to write concerning a life lesson we feel everyone can benefit from learning. There are several of life lessons I have had that could benefit others, patience, trust, forgiveness and others. Which one to choose.

I have lived a lot of life, some bad but I focus on the good. I did not automatically focus on the good in life, I had to teach myself to focus on the good. One event in my life was really bad and it left a large mark in my life. I named it “hell”. I defined “hell” as:

“Hell” greets me in the morning with the rising sun,

“Hell” shadows me during the day where ever I go,

“Hell” is ever present at every sunset,

“Hell” haunts the night and each of my dreams.

I developed a medical condition where I thought I was loosing my mind. My physician suggested a physiatrist while medical tests were performed. During a month visits with the physiatrist, I learned my hell had a name, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was not the only thing wrong with me, as there was a physical condition that required surgery to get me back to feeling better.

After the surgery many things changed mostly good. I married my husband and moved to another state.

We had lived in Texas for a few years, when I made a choice to have more out of life. I decided to see a counselor concerning the severe depression I was in. During the sessions with the counselor, I learned to focus on the good things in my life. I learned how to be in the present and now with mindfulness.

Learning to change ourselves is hard work. There were days I did not notice the “hell” that haunted me for years. And there were days that I could not get “hell” out of my thinking. With patience and persistence and a strong desire to change I am able to focus on what brings me joy. When “hell” would creep into my thoughts, I would think hard and focus and actively do something that brought joy.

It has been years since I have been to the counselor. But I still work everyday to focus on the present and now.

Today, I can fully enjoy the sunrise with the first glimmer of the sun’s face and not fear a shadow during my day. I enjoy the day and what it has to offer me. I relax watching the sunset without the fear of darkness or going to sleep fearing my “hell” will greet me in my dreams.

There are triggers that do bring my “hell” back. I have learned to be aware of the triggers. There are times I have to deal with my “hell”, but those times are getting fewer.

Not everyone suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but everyone does have bad days and bad events in their day. Make the good that happened in the day the focus will make the bad events and the problems, not go away, but get smaller. And sometimes, we have to make the good happen, such as a simple action that brings joy. For me I go outside and simply brush the hair on my horse or rub on the young filly born this year. Sometimes it is hot chocolate.

Look for and create the good things in your life.

Amtolle