Uncategorized – Page 12 – Me, Myself and I

On Mark, Set,….

I have shared my daughter is pregnant with triplets, spontaneous triplets. Most triplets are the results of infertility treatments. My daughter is not on any type of fertility treatments. Hence, spontaneous triplets. A triplet pregnancy is considered very high risk.

This morning I received a call that she was seeing the doctor. An unplanned doctor visit. I may have to pick my granddaughter up from pre-K. I assured her I would be there.

I live two hours away. Then I realized we are approaching the time when unplanned doctor visit are going to occur. In a few weeks she will have to stop working and get lots of rest, eventually bedrest.

With the call, I needed the booster seat in my truck. I needed clothes for staying overnight if that was needed.

We have been planning and doing to help their family be ready for triplets. But, I was not ready. No overnight bag, no prep for my husband if I am not home.

Today, I packed the overnight bag. I have some meals in the freezer. I will be making and freezing more meals. I did an inventory of the sheep feed and supplies. I made a food list of items to stock in the pantry for when I will not be home.

We, they and the whole family are truly excited about welcoming triplets into our family. I have spoken with the children, we have come up with a plan to assist with diapers and wipes (triplets use 18-20 a day). There are baby showers being planned. I will be staying with them once she is sent home, through the delivery and afterwards to help out with whatever needs done and for support.

As a family we realize it will take the whole family to raise the triplets and their sibling.

In our current times, I notice families not as close together as they once were. As a child I went to school with my cousins. Weekends were spent at someone’s home where each individual family gathered to eat and play games.

People have moved miles away from family, like ours, family is scattered to several states. Most of the moving away is for work or job positions as in my scenario of moving due to a job transfer for my husband. Children grow up, go to college, find jobs or serve in the military and move away from the area they called home. Away from parents, grandparents and relatives.

How can “scattered families” stay close and connected. Thanks to technology, there are video chats, and phone calls. Cell phones allow us to talk with the high expense of long distance calling that was standard when I was a child. I am thankful for unlimited minutes and data. I know I use my share in keeping in touch with the grandchildren and children.

Video chats have allowed us to share weddings with those who could not attend. A few birthday parties as well. I can watch my grandson learning to play the piano, see my granddaughter’s solo performance.

All of these tools are great. The key is to remember to use these tools available. I have learned how to do a screenshot of an item I wanted to purchase for my granddaughter’s birthday, wanting parent approval before purchasing. I have learned how to video chat and multiple person conversations. I have to keep learning so I can use the tools to stay connected.

Is it comfortable to ask a twelve year old how to do something with the cell phone? Not really. But is it worth it? Absolutely.

To stay connected I have to get out of my comfort zone. I have to learn to do more with my cell phone besides answer “Hello”. Learning to use technology to stay connected with my family has been a challenge. I have hung up on family trying to connect another person to the conversation. I struggled with connecting to the live video at a birthday party. Learning can be a struggle.

An unexpected reward is hearing my grandchildren tell me “you got it”.

Is our family ready for triplets? I do not know about the others, but the parents are. I am. I did not need to go today. But when I do, I am ready to be there.

amtolle

The Journey

I love horses. I enjoy riding and working with my horses. I have learned many things from the horses through the many years I have been around them. About ten years ago, I learned of a horseman, Chris Cox. I enjoy watching Chris work with the horse. Chris Cox states that being a horseman is a journey of the horse. The destination is to be a better horseman or horsewoman than you were yesterday. His words rang so true to my life and journey with the horse.

Recently, the words of journey with the horse has crossed over to the other things I do in my life. Daily working with the sheep, I am on a journey with my sheep. Learning each one and methods to working with them better, with less stress on the sheep. I also work with herding dogs. The dogs are used daily in gathering and moving the sheep. One reason, one of my rams (male sheep) is very aggressive to people. This ram likes to charge at you. A 400 pound animal hitting you with his head is dangerous. We take the precaution of always working him with a dog. The ram respects the dog, and does as the dog directs him. Working with the very intelligent Border Collies dogs has been a journey.

Today, I realized I am on another journey of writing. I am in the process of writing my first book. I have written term thesis for college, countless essays and letters. But never a book. To write a book takes time just like my 156 page college thesis took time. First the idea or subject, then some research, characters, place and time. Writing a book is a journey you determine where the story goes, who you interact with and location of the action. I am on a journey of creating a journey to share with others if they choose to read.

Our everyday existence is a journey. There are many turns and twists in our lives. Some created by our own decisions and some by situation or others choices. We can accept our journey where we are, or change our journey to a different path. Mostly we should be enjoying this journey we are on.

Daily I work to take joy in my journey of life. I look for the humor in a situation instead of succumbing to frustration. Today, I was deworming and trimming feet on a breeding group of ewes with a ram, the aggressive ram. I use a manufactured alley which is made of metal panels forming a pathway the sheep have to travel in single file to get into the chute I use to trim their feet. I had done three ewes and the ram was in the alley, only he stopped. I pushed, I hit him on the rump with my hand (honestly, ask the kids and my husband, I do not hit very hard, not heart in me to hit hard.), I could not get him to move. He was physically stuck in the alley way. I bent down and trimmed his feet while he was standing in the alley and he did not move. I touched him in various placed and he did not move. I tried to remove a side of the alley to let him free, only there was so much pressure on the sides, alone I could not remove the pins and open the side.

What to do now? Sit back and breathe, call the husband and laugh on the phone. Ask him when he is coming home to help me free the ram.

While I am on the phone with my husband, standing away from alley and chute. The ram does some major pushing accompanied with groans and moans to finally free himself from the alley and go through the chute to freedom and the girls.

Six months back when I purchased this ram, he could fit in the alley, but he was also very underweight. Now, he is in good condition for a ram, and he does not fit. My new, younger ram is bigger than this ram. We made the decision not to put the rams through the alley or the chute. I will have to put sheep panels together to trim his feet, deworm and vaccinate the rams.

On our journey of life and the journeys within our lives, we can get mad or frustrated when something does not go our way. Example of a job that should have taken me a couple of hours, took all day. Or we can laugh at the obstacle, not be afraid to ask for help from someone or God, and figure out a way to overcome the obstacle and get unstuck from the situation.

Our journey of life is short. Enjoy the journey. Find joy in your journey. Do not let obstacles steal your happiness, as obstacles are only temporary.

amtolle

P.S. I should have taken a picture of my ram stuck, before I called my husband.

Weekend Workings

Change requires new ways of doing something, sometimes new plans and occasionally new location. The closure of the sheep and goat auction I have attended the past 5 years is a major change. Learning I am going to be a grandmother to triplets is a major change.

I am a sheep farmer, my income comes from the profit I make after paying expenses for selling the sheep I raise. Basic business plan is to keep expenses low in order to have more profit. The sheep auction was close to my farm. With the closure I had to determine where I am going to haul my market lambs in order to sell. I decided to sell the market lambs directly to the processor located three hour drive one way. The processor is honest and will give me a market price for the lambs. This processor purchased my market lambs at the sheep auction, I was saved the expense of transporting the market lambs the additional 2-3 hours farther.

My breeding sheep that I sell does not change. I have always sold the breeding stock directly off the farm. No change there. I will lose the opportunity to make contacts for those wanting breeding stock. I will have to go to social media to sell.

The one problem that took some time to work a plan on was where to sell the cull sheep. The cull sheep are ewes who have lived past 8 years of age or have problems delivering lambs. I have found a sheep auction located 3 hours drive from where I live, in the opposite direction of the processor to sell the cull ewes.

Sheep farm problems solved, at least for now.

Every week I receive information in the mail and phone calls of realtors stating they have a person interested in buying my home. The real estate market is very “hot” in my location. There are more people wanting to move into this area, than there are home available. Majority of real estate listings do not stay on the market past 30 days before being under contract of purchase. Quick sells are the norm for my location.

I received such a notice in the mail this past week, saying they were looking for a home for themselves. I decided to give them a call. They came out Saturday. People tell so many lies. They were not looking for themselves but was “fishing” for a listing in my area, for a quick sale and money in their pocket.

We have entertained the idea of selling our property with the desire to move closer to my daughter who is pregnant with triplets. I know that for the next several years a helping hand will be appreciated, or more a “taxi”. My daughter’s family wants their children to be around animals and see farm life. But with the size of their soon to be family, that is monetarily out of the picture. They will have to visit Granny’s and PawPaw’s place to see and experience farm life.

We will eventually move closer, but not today and not this year.

The other activity was planting the flower and vegetable garden area. I love working in the dirt. One of my favorite places to go shopping and even window shopping is a garden center or nursery. I love looking at plants. My husband took me to the local nursery. I was able to find some plants to add to my garden area.

I also discovered Chronicles Bells. They make the most lovely sounding windchimes. The soft, harmonious sound of the windchimes was relaxing and soothing to my busy mind. The drawback was the price, the windchimes I desired were $240.00 USD. More than my budget would allow at this time. They are on the waiting list, maybe Christmas gift list. If you have the opportunity to listen to these windchimes, they are worth the effort, and the money.

I planted and transplanted vegetables and flower in the garden area. I also had to do some clean up from the winter in order to plant. I took pictures and will have future posts on what and how I place plants in my garden area and containers.

We also did the regular activities of feeding animals, buying grain and dog food, groceries. There is always something that needs to be done on the farm. I enjoy what I do.

amtolle

Change and Comfort Zone

I do not like change very much. I like to stay in my comfort zone that I worked so hard to get to. I am very uncomfortable meeting new people, being in a crowd of people I do not know. I have trust issues, I do not trust people.

Today, I learned a big change took place. The sheep and goat auction where I sell my market lambs and ewes that are getting old, is closed. For a reason unknown to me, the placed was forced to close for an undetermined amount of time.

It took me about four years to get comfortable with the main crowd of people who attend that sheep and goat auction twice a month. I have developed a couple of friends there. Now, I have to find a place to take my sheep for sale.

Some suggest to sell the sheep online. I tried that once. There are so many people who scam. I was sent “bank checks” that were not from the bank institution on the check. I had people copy my pictures and try to sell my animals as their own. Plus, people coming to the place is not a comfortable activity for me. The dishonest people I have been involved with when I was selling dogs, I just do not want to go that route.

Today, I did research on livestock auction places. I looked at the reviews, how long they have been in business, how many animals that are sold there and what the prices are. I have found a couple who were in lawsuits concerning the animals representation at the time sold-I will not sell at those places. I did find one livestock auction a couple of hours away I am planning on visiting. I have two months to find a place to sell my sheep, I have time to research and ask questions.

I will be uncomfortable for awhile until I learn how people show their emotions and react to things. Although it will be stressful and tiring for me to go, the upside is I will meet new people and maybe get more contacts to sell breeding sheep.

The closure of the sheep and goat auction near me will effect a lot of people. I have already received texts and calls from small butcher shops that slaughter and market the meat near where I live. The big buyers at the auction are no longer able to purchase because the is closed, so their clients are looking for sheep. There are even more people looking for a place to buy sheep for pets, to raise for income and to sell their sheep. I am not alone in this situation. I am sure I will see a few familiar faces as I look for a place to sell my sheep.

The next two months will be interesting, frustrating and something that I have to do.

amtolle

Busy with Life

Life sometimes hits us with a mixture. This past week we have had a mixture of emotions. We are going through the “Circle of Life”. We are saying good-bye to one family member and prepping for the birth of another.

My husband’s sister is living her last few days. We have known for a few months she is diagnosed with cancer. He has visited her, they have talked. She knows he loves her, and he knows she loves him. She is ready to go to the place of peace, and be with their mother in heaven. Later this month or the beginning of next month the family will have a Celebration of Life for his sister.

A week or so back, we also learned one of my daughters is pregnant. When one of my children or their spouse is pregnant, we as a family celebrate. Only she is pregnant with triplets. “WOW” and “OH MY GOSH” are the first phases spoken when we tell someone she is carrying triplets. Then the next words are “Is she on fertility drugs?” The answer is no. Our family is being blessed with triplets.

My family loves babies and children. We as a family have always been excited and happy to welcome a new baby into the circle. We have had one set of identical twins, although one twin did not live long after birth due to complications during the pregnancy, twin to twin transfusion was the reason for the twin’s early death. We are excited about triplets being a part of our family.

Triplets equal three times everything. Three bassinets/cribs, three high chairs, three times the diapers and wipes, three times the formula as my daughter will not be able to breastfeed three babies. As a family we are talking, planning and purchasing the furniture items needed to start raising three children the same age.

Our lives revolve around the “Circle of Life”. Everyone goes through birth, growth and death. In the movie “Broken Trail”, Robert Duval is acting a character who says a line twice in the movie, “from birth to death, we travel between the eternities.” Our live is very short when compared to the time before our birth and the time after our death.

Photo by Download a pic Donate a buck! ^ on Pexels.com

This week we have faced death and birth and all the emotions they bring to us. Both are a celebration.

amtolle

Toxic

The past week has been emotional for me. Mostly depression and anger have ruled the days. I do not like depression or anger to occupy my thoughts and especially my days. I thought I learned ample skills to stop or at least not let the depression get so bad. I had not had an episode of depression for three years, why now? But, there are triggers to this depression I do not know.

A phone call this past week set the gears in motion for depression. During these depression times I do not feel I am worthy of anyone’s love, there is shame, no self-worth.

The nightmares returned. Dreams in one night included snakes. I really do not like snakes. I was trying to get them out of my house. There were several dreams as I would wake up, then finally go back to sleep to dream about snakes in the house and me trying to get them out. The last dream my husband was trying to get them out with me.

That morning, during prayers, I was really wanting to know why the bad dreams, how to get rid of my depression episode and what had triggered everything. The thought that popped in my mind was “Spark of Joy”.

Two years ago I watched on Netflix Marie Kondo demonstrating “Spark of Joy”. I went through my house using her methods and cleaned a lot of things out. The biggest change was photos. If a picture of someone or something did not bring me joy, that photo went in a box. I did not destroy any, only stored them in a box for other family members to take if they choose.

The next was to only surround myself with people who brought me joy. But how can you not be around people who are family? One family member treats me with extreme disrespect as well is not truthful with us. My husband made a decision. My husband does not make many decisions, he trusts me to make most of the decisions. He is not in the dark, as I am a verbal thinker, so he knows all the information before I make a decision. But when he does make a decision, as he puts it “his vote is the only one that counts”. He made the decision if this family member does not change the way they treat me and others, they are not allowed on our place and into our home. His reasoning is we work hard to have and keep joy in our home, and for others to experience the joy and harmony of our home when they visit. No one deserves to be treated in the fashion this particular family member treats everyone.

“Spark of Joy”, the dreams were trying to tell me to get rid of the snakes stealing my “spark of joy” in my life. It is very clear the phone call stole my joy. Today, my loving husband decided to vote. He loves his wife and does not like to see her in the state she has been in for almost a week. His vote, do not answer the phone calls or text messages anymore.

There are some relationships with people that are toxic to our self being. They take away our joy and replace that joy with shame, self worthlessness, feelings of stupidity and other negative feelings. The exposure to toxic people should be short. For my health, it is not good to be around toxic people, even if they are family.

I have found another trigger. Hopefully the next time I have an episode, I will recognize the trigger sooner, and remove the snakes from the house.

amtolle

Past

The past claws me back to a place I do not want to be.
The time of sorrows, unhappy joy, lies and deceit.
Be quiet, you do not know what you say.
Your stories are untrue, and there is no need to say.
Yet, the cloud of depression roles, I struggle to be free.
To the hem of a garment I cling to heal me from this curse.
No freedom in sight, no light I see, where can my life be.

A childhood of lies, deceit and stories untold.
When asked, the answer I give is truth.
Then I am told, to be quiet, not tell the truth but believe the lie,
You do not know what you see.
The truth you share is only your imagination.
Children are seen and not heard, their stories are lies,
Their eyes are ignorant.
How could they possibly know?
Stay in your corner, do not say, for your words are foolishness.
I have heard their words, I did as told, yet, I am the one alone.

Years go by, I call once a week or more.
Yet the lies continue and stories untold.
After desperate search, the truth revealed,
Moved to Arboles, to Texas or back home.
My struggle would have been easier if I was told up front.
But no, do not let me know.
Without the truth, the lies can be told.
Keep the truth in the closet, then no one will know.

The lies, deceit and stories untold.
Death arrives, no more maker of lies.
Rest In Peace
Now be still and let my sunshine glow.

I think I have finally gained ground, the sun I do see.
Years of silence, I am alone,
The company of spouse and children occupy time and space.
Only the claws reach forth again and plunged back into the dark sea.
I saw light and now the night.
Reaching forth to be free.
Like parrots learn for the master’s lips, so comes the words again,
Be quiet, do not speak, your stories are untold.
Why do you call? Why do you ask? Yet you do not want to hear.

Years of silence, then the call.
No time to talk, no time to share.
Only do not tell your stories untold.
We do not want to hear of lies, deceit and stories untold.

Why can I not be left alone?
Alone I have the light.
Alone I have the joy.
Alone I live in truth and light.
Loneliness does occupy, yet peace also abides.
The peace with self and universe.
Not childhood pain and torture.

Past stay away, and say no more.
Silence your cries of woe.
I do not want you to stay.
I am tired of lies, deceit and stories untold.
For peace of mind and soul rest felt,
I tell my stories true fold.
Leave me alone, to you I am no more.
The blame of a curse not mine.
Out of the closet I want to stay.

amtolle 3-23-2022

Wind, Lighting, Rain

I have always watched the weather around me. Not the weatherman or the weather app on a cell phone. The daily weather as it occurs around me. Where I live most of the days have sunshine and wind.

I do not like wind really, it blows my hair into my face causing an obstruction to my view of what I am working on at the time. The wind blows dirt and dust through the house. I have given up on dusting. What is the point, the dust will be there in the morning. But the science on the creation of wind is very fascinating. The release and capture of energy creating a force so powerful to take down a house, and carve monuments from solid stone. Wind is energy, but very unpredictable.

I love lighting storms. Electricity streaking through a clouded sky at random and without control. Lightening comes is some awesome colors. I was in St. Louis, Missouri on a visit. A storm moved in one night, and for the first time I saw colored lighting. The display of colored lighting was exhilarated me to behold. The lighting would start out a neon blue and change colors, bright green to yellow. There was neon pink, orange, fluorescent green and bright purple. Much better than any man made fireworks I had witnessed. I had to leave this beautifully awesome natural fireworks show for the basement of the place we were staying. The phenomenal lighting show I was experiencing is around tornados. At night you can watch a tornado, by watching the path of the colored lightening.

The rain on the roof top is a lullaby, I relax and want to sleep when the rain is falling. Rain is life, as rain brings the water every living thing requires. I welcome the rain. Rain washes off the dust and dirt revealing colors more vibrant when the sun shines after a rain cloud goes by. Rain washes and renews what is around us. I love to watch and listen to the rain. One day while fishing on a nice sunny day, a single rain cloud came over. There was no wind, the lake was still like a mirror, when the large droplets of water began to fall. Not a thick number of droplets, but evenly timed large droplets hitting the lake and making circular designs. I sat and watched this natural wonder show of beauty. The cloud moved on, the shadow disappeared, and I was soaked. I eventually dried in the warm sunshine, the memory of the droplets on the lake is with me always.

Weather can show us awesome and beautiful scenes of nature, better created than what man could ever accomplish. When wind, lighting and rain are combined in Texas, it usually means tornado. March thru June is tornado season in Texas.

Tornado photo taken by Brian Osborn south of Decatur, TX on 3/21/2022

Tornados have been labeled ” the hand of God”. The visit to St. Louis and seeing the colored lighting, that was a major tornado at night. I went inside when I heard the “train engine” roar. A tornado is very noisy. Tornados the work of naturally created energy creating force so strong to wipe out sections of homes and buildings, and yet leave somethings in middle of the chaos untouched.

My husband went to Cheyenne, Wyoming to check on family after a tornado hit there many years ago. A house located a few houses from where his mother lived had drawn a lot of attention. The house looked fine. But looking through a window, there was a large tree trunk occupying the whole house. The tree trunk was larger than a foot in diameter, every wall inside the home was no longer there, being destroyed by the tree trunk. The only indication on the outside of the hone that something strange had occurred at this resident was the window curtains protruding from the walls under the roof. The tornado had picked the roof up whole, place a tree trunk inside, spinning the tree trunk to destroy the inside walls of the home, then placing the roof back on the house in the same position as before, only forgetting to tuck the window drapes back inside. There was not broken windows, the doors were in place. Some professors from the nearby university did data collection on this particular house. “The hand of God” had definitely touched this home and boggled the minds of educated men.

Yesterday, two tornados hit within thirty miles of my home. One took off half the roof of a large high school, took roofs off of the homes across the street, with the exception of one roof. This home surrounded by homes turned to rumble with twisted trees and debris, was left untouched. Another home had the roof removed, but all the contents still neatly in place. Looking from the sky I was reminded of the models I created in home economics class of placing carpet and furniture in a home created from cardboard. The pathway of debris for this tornado was two miles wide. Another location near us, a mobile home was picked up and placed across the road. Like some giant playing with toys, and decided to move the mobile home to block the road.

As of midnight last night, there were no deaths associated with the two tornados, some injuries and some hospitalizations. But they were still locating and rescuing some who were still entrapped in their destroyed home.

Man tries to control so much around them, yet the most powerful forces on earth are beyond their reach and comprehension.

amtolle

Bridges

The word prompt from word press for the month of March is bridge. There are various types of bridges, small, large, wooden and cement. Some bridges are only for foot traffic while others hold up multiple lanes of cars and vehicles. Each bridge is designed and built to serve a purpose, even as simple as taking you to the other side in order to see the view from a different perspective.

Our path through life has bridges. Bridges we build to establish relationships with friends, families and lovers. Bridges to get promotions and better way of life. Some bridges we later burn, but in order to burn a bridge, the bridge first has to be built.

One bridge I feel is important in our lives is the bridge of education. Education as a bridge conjures up higher education as colleges and universities. Colleges and university cost money, and for those who do not have money, are out of reach. There are other pathways to education.

One way to build a bridge of education in your path to a better life, is by learning through reading. I read all the time on subjects I am interested in such as sheep and gardening. There are still libraries. When I first moved to Texas, there is a lot of snakes. I really DO NOT like snakes. I went to the little library in our little town and checked out books with pictures of snakes in Texas. I wanted to learn to identify the different snakes around my house, but also what they eat and where they like to live. By removing what the eat and where they like to live, I can get rid of the snakes.

Through reading I have learned how to care for my sheep. I have hands on experience in taking care of horses, and I used that experience with the knowledge I gained through reading to care for my sheep.

With today’s technology, youtube is an awesome source of learning, especially for those who learn best visually. I have repaired my riding lawn mower and household appliances by watching youtube videos. Yes, some videos are not very good, but there are some that show each step in how to repair something.

I know a young man, who struggled learning in school. He was glad to just graduate from High School. This young man started buying and selling goats while in Junior High School. He would ask questions of those at the sale barn, and learn. He learned some through what is called the school of hard knocks, but he stayed with selling and buying goats. As a junior in High School he purchased his first truck and stock trailer from the money he saved. He learned by watching others at the auction and started buying sheep. Two years out of high school, he purchased an sheep and goat auction from the man who started it. Two years after the purchase, he has paid off the initial cost of the auction and made major building improvements with out loans from the bank. For a man under thirty years of age, he is doing very well. This young man watched, asked questions and learned outside of college and a class room. He put what he learned, and some hard work and now has a prosperous business. He does not feel he has learned everything. Recently, he wanted to ask questions about raising registered sheep, and how I managed my registered sheep business. He is still asking questions and still learning.

When I was in High School, my English teacher told us, ” Vocabulary and the proper use of vocabulary will determine the altitude of success in your life.” This statement just seemed to burn in my mind when she said it. I was determined to succeed in life, so I worked on improving my vocabulary and professionalism.

Some simple tools to learn, vocabulary and professionalism, to observe and ask questions, to build bridges.

In order to build a bridge, you have to know where you are going. Dreams and goals guide us on what pathway or road to take, and provide the determination to build bridges for success in our lives.

Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh on Pexels.com

Never stop dreaming, setting goals, or building bridges.

amtolle

Prescription: Lamb Cuteness

This week has been tough emotionally. When I try to speak to my adoptive family about my adoption, I go on an emotional roller coaster. What do I do when the emotions start to become overwhelming? I go to the ewe and lamb pen. Since I am not very good and fast with the making of videos, I borrowed a cute lamb video from you tube.

And when I do not have lambs I go to you tube and watch a few videos. Who can not love the way the jump and race around? Young lambs show the joy of just being alive. Something I need reminded of this week. There is joy in just being alive.

I sit, breath, watch and focus on the moment, not my past. The lambs are a fast fix of my emotions. I just have to sit and watch.

Each of us has times when emotions seem to go wild in our lives. My emotions go wild when I think about not being told I was adopted by my parents. The fact I did not have facts until I was 48 is hard sometimes. I usually just push it out of my mind. But maybe the Creator is telling me I need to face it and know it. Not push the facts out of my mind on some back dusty corner shelf, but learn to embrace that part of my life, and not let the deceit of a lifetime control my emotions.

Today, was a day to just be. I watched the lambs. Groomed the horses. No talking to relatives, to researching for answers, no writing on the book to come. Just being. Letting the sea of emotions calm to focus on what I will be doing next.

I took the day off and watched lambs jump for joy.

amtolle