death – Me, Myself and I

Life sometimes hits us with a mixture. This past week we have had a mixture of emotions. We are going through the “Circle of Life”. We are saying good-bye to one family member and prepping for the birth of another.

My husband’s sister is living her last few days. We have known for a few months she is diagnosed with cancer. He has visited her, they have talked. She knows he loves her, and he knows she loves him. She is ready to go to the place of peace, and be with their mother in heaven. Later this month or the beginning of next month the family will have a Celebration of Life for his sister.

A week or so back, we also learned one of my daughters is pregnant. When one of my children or their spouse is pregnant, we as a family celebrate. Only she is pregnant with triplets. “WOW” and “OH MY GOSH” are the first phases spoken when we tell someone she is carrying triplets. Then the next words are “Is she on fertility drugs?” The answer is no. Our family is being blessed with triplets.

My family loves babies and children. We as a family have always been excited and happy to welcome a new baby into the circle. We have had one set of identical twins, although one twin did not live long after birth due to complications during the pregnancy, twin to twin transfusion was the reason for the twin’s early death. We are excited about triplets being a part of our family.

Triplets equal three times everything. Three bassinets/cribs, three high chairs, three times the diapers and wipes, three times the formula as my daughter will not be able to breastfeed three babies. As a family we are talking, planning and purchasing the furniture items needed to start raising three children the same age.

Our lives revolve around the “Circle of Life”. Everyone goes through birth, growth and death. In the movie “Broken Trail”, Robert Duval is acting a character who says a line twice in the movie, “from birth to death, we travel between the eternities.” Our live is very short when compared to the time before our birth and the time after our death.

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This week we have faced death and birth and all the emotions they bring to us. Both are a celebration.

amtolle

My husband is visiting his sister, Ms. S, and family. I mention his sister as she is ill, cancer. The doctors have not informed her of how advanced the cancer is. Their sister, Mrs. L, knows, but no one has informed the patient, Ms. S. This is not a happy visit of catching up on family doings.

It is the last visit.

The discussion among the siblings is do we tell Ms. S or do we not tell Ms. S, how advanced the cancer is. A tough decision.

In the movie “The Alamo” produced by John Wayne, a character named Preacher tells a young man, “The good Book says everybody dies. The when and how, only the good Lord knows.”

When faced with death, we reflect on our lives. What regrets do we have? Dreams unfulfilled? Accomplishments? Successes?

I have some regrets, but hindsight is always 20/20, perfect vision. One regret is not spending more time with my children when they were small. My children do not think I neglected spending time or doing things with them. I look back and realize how few years we had together, and selfishly I want more memories.

There are dreams I had as a young person that will not come to pass. As a young person my dream was to be a veterinarian, I wanted to be able to help animals. I did not complete college to get a degree in veterinarian medicine, and I will not ever complete the schooling. However, I do veterinarian work with my own animals. Yesterday, I had to take care of an injured goat. I may not have doctor attached to my name, but I do medical procedures on my own animals, so in a way I am a veterinarian.

**My Last Appaloosa Foal, Sparkle Lilly, 6 months age.**

As an adult, my big dream was to raise an Appaloosa World Champion. I will not experience raising an Appaloosa World Champion. But daily I enjoy my two Appaloosa horses. I am proud of the horses I raised through my life. Last spring, I saw my last foal come into the world, a beautiful filly. My preferred coloring on an Appaloosa, a bay with a blanket. I asked two of my granddaughters to name her, one said “Sparkle” the other, “Lilly”. I combined the two names, Sparkle Lilly, only to be educated by my youngest granddaughter I named my foal after a “My Little Pony” figure and cartoon character.

I still dream of raising a champion, only it is with my sheep. I work towards the goal with each lambing and every purchase of a new ram or ewe. I still have dreams I am working at each day.

I have touched the lives of others encouraging and inspiring them to reach for their dreams and enjoy the trip. I touched many youth with the horsemanship clinics and lessons through the years. I worked with youth and adults to learn leather craft, ceramics and other activities. Always encouraging them to be the best they can be for themselves, not for others.

In competition, regardless of how many are in the class, there is always only one first place, and always one last place. The placing in the competition is not as important as how you felt about your performance. I would meet with my young riders and ask how they felt about their performance. I wanted to know their thoughts on what they did better than last time, how was the communication with the horse, all the high points they felt they did. Then I would ask, what do you want to work on next and why? The important answer was why.

Today is the only day we have to live. Tomorrow is not here. Each day I let my husband know I love him. I call my children and grandchildren often, I want them to know I love and care for them. I do my chores, care for my animals, do the things that bring me joy, and take care of the necessary things required to live life today (cooking, cleaning and laundry…lol).

Everyday, I ask myself” What do I want to improve on and why?” Why do I want to learn more cooking recipes and techniques? Why do I choose those vegetables to plant? or Why do I want to plant that type of tree?

I want to meet death while living. I have expressed this to my husband and my children. I want to be doing the things I love to do.

amtolle

Tag: death

Busy with Life

Reflection