joy – Me, Myself and I

Why Do I Write?

A valid question to a person who writes. There are people who write for money, either a paid assignment and those who write to sell books. My reason for writing started for one reason and evolved into another reason.

I wrote in school, reports on school subjects in order to pass a class. I did not consider myself a creative writer. In college, it was the same, facts gathered and put on paper for a grade. In August of 2020, I started a blog, grannys-homestead.com to share information on raising sheep. There was information on the internet and in books, but some was very general with no real answers. Others were from universities with a lot of scientific terms, hard for most people to understand. I wanted to share my knowledge and experience raising sheep with others. To share how I treated a sheep with this problem, or what I did to prevent a problem. Then I joined bloganuary and started a blog this blog. I enjoyed what I was writing about, I wanted to continue and share my words with others.

As I wrote blogs, and read others’ blogs, I realized I enjoy writing, and not just facts that I have gathered. I enjoy sharing my knowledge of several subjects with those who want to learn more. Some of my methods of doing things, such as gardening, was taught to me by my grandfather, and I want to share that information.

Now, I write for my grandchildren. My children and their families live in several states, and are far apart. I want my children to have the information I was taught. I want to pass the information and a piece of myself forward to my grandchildren.

Along this journey, I have found a way to express what is inside myself. I have learned people enjoy my events of being a sheep farmer and some of the “crazy” things I do. Bringing people joy, is fun. I live a different life than most, I enjoy different things than most. These are things I want to share with others to broaden their world.

Why do I write – for the joy of others.

amtolle

Joyful, Joyful

The prompt for day #5: What brings you joy?

The ever elusive joy, sought after, bribed and bought by some, yet really not there. Some go up to mountains of joy and fall into valleys of despair, only to climb another mountain of joy. Others seem to leisurely float through life on a river of joy, where there are no rapids, waterfalls or rain.

Joy, often treated as a noun or possession, in truth joy is a state of being or place. You can leave joy if you chose, or you can learn to be in joy, the choice is yours. There is no map to joy, as joy is individual like the one who is seeking it.

The first thing to do to have joy is to stop. Just like the prompt states “What Brings…you joy?” Joy is brought to you. The only way to have something brought to you, is for you to stop.

The little things bring me joy, birds feeding in my front yard, lambs playing with each other, a bottle baby goat named Spot, a smile on a child’s face, or from someone I have helped. Watching the sunrise and the sunset for no painting ever captures the colors so perfectly. To see these things, I must stop, put what I am doing on “pause”, to see the joy around me. Then push “forward” and go about my day.

There is another item need in order for joy to be brought to you, that is peace. Being anxious or fretful or angry drives joy away. Get peace, the stop so joy can be brought to you.

amtolle

Spot, the baby goat

“Spark of Joy”

Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh on Pexels.com

“Spark of Joy” comes from Marie Kondo. I was introduced to Marie Kondo and “Spark of Joy” through a Netflix series named “Tidying Up”. In the series Marie Kondo assisted people in “Tidying Up” their homes. These people sought her help to make changes in their homes. During the visits to assist them, Marie Kondo talked about joy and harmony being created in the home. One example stated was when we come home from a busy day at work, we are seeking a happy place, a place with harmony away from the chaos we were in. The things that surround us as we come home should give us a “Spark of Joy”. I watched the entire series, and even viewed some of the youtube videos of her assisting others or teaching how to fold clothes and organize.

I do not travel to work, but I do enjoy a quiet harmonious place to relax at the end of the day. I have post traumatic stress disorder with the main symptoms of depression, anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares. I fight the depression daily. After watching this series, I decided to surround myself in my home with only those items that “spark joy” when I look at them.

I spent months sorting through each item, taking one room at a time. How does this item make me feel? Does this item create joy in my heart or dread? Sorting through took time and energy. Sometimes I would touch an item and get a flashback, quick answer, no joy there. Some items brought back a flood of pleasant memories, those items earned a front position of my eyesight. As the appearance of my home changed, I changed.

The process of going through everything in order to create a home of joy, harmony and peace, I decluttered my home and my life. There were things I had kept because someone gave them to me, feeling like I was unappreciative of their gift if I gave it away or disposed of it. Most of those items given that did not have pleasant feelings, the giver no longer is in my life. How would they know I had gotten rid of the gift? I was keeping things out of fear of offending someone that no longer came around. I had to change my thinking.

As I surrounded myself in my home with only items that brought joy, my depression lessened. I was not fighting a hard battle everyday to keep moving forward, the depression became an inconvenience that was easily moved aside as I went about my day.

Up until the time of watching the series on Netflix and changing my home, I had not thought I had to fight to keep my joy. I was of the thinking that you have joy or you do not. I learned to fight for the joy in my life and to keep it. I still fight depression, but the joy wins over most days. There is no cure for post traumatic stress disorder. But there are ways to lessen the impact and control this disorder has in my life, I just have to fight for it, and do some tidying up.

I took the tidying up step a little further than organizing a house and where I work in the barns and buildings. I applied it to activities I would do for others. I am a person who likes to help others. Sometimes when helping others there was no joy in what I was doing. I was good at the job, but there was no joy in helping the person. An example of one activity I stopped doing was making music cds for a friend who would lead the song services at church. I would copy their pre recorded song music in the order of the songs for the church service they were singing for each Sunday. This was very time consuming and I did not enjoy the work. I decided to really be helping a person as a gift, there should be joy in giving the gift, not what I was feeling. I gave my notice to the person that I was no longer going to do this for them. A huge weight came off my shoulders.

I still have to activities around the home that I do not much care for such as laundry. When I do the laundry, I am still looking for the “Spark of joy” as I fold each item of clothing and put them away.

Look for the “Spark of Joy” in your home and life.

amtolle

Toxic

The past week has been emotional for me. Mostly depression and anger have ruled the days. I do not like depression or anger to occupy my thoughts and especially my days. I thought I learned ample skills to stop or at least not let the depression get so bad. I had not had an episode of depression for three years, why now? But, there are triggers to this depression I do not know.

A phone call this past week set the gears in motion for depression. During these depression times I do not feel I am worthy of anyone’s love, there is shame, no self-worth.

The nightmares returned. Dreams in one night included snakes. I really do not like snakes. I was trying to get them out of my house. There were several dreams as I would wake up, then finally go back to sleep to dream about snakes in the house and me trying to get them out. The last dream my husband was trying to get them out with me.

That morning, during prayers, I was really wanting to know why the bad dreams, how to get rid of my depression episode and what had triggered everything. The thought that popped in my mind was “Spark of Joy”.

Two years ago I watched on Netflix Marie Kondo demonstrating “Spark of Joy”. I went through my house using her methods and cleaned a lot of things out. The biggest change was photos. If a picture of someone or something did not bring me joy, that photo went in a box. I did not destroy any, only stored them in a box for other family members to take if they choose.

The next was to only surround myself with people who brought me joy. But how can you not be around people who are family? One family member treats me with extreme disrespect as well is not truthful with us. My husband made a decision. My husband does not make many decisions, he trusts me to make most of the decisions. He is not in the dark, as I am a verbal thinker, so he knows all the information before I make a decision. But when he does make a decision, as he puts it “his vote is the only one that counts”. He made the decision if this family member does not change the way they treat me and others, they are not allowed on our place and into our home. His reasoning is we work hard to have and keep joy in our home, and for others to experience the joy and harmony of our home when they visit. No one deserves to be treated in the fashion this particular family member treats everyone.

“Spark of Joy”, the dreams were trying to tell me to get rid of the snakes stealing my “spark of joy” in my life. It is very clear the phone call stole my joy. Today, my loving husband decided to vote. He loves his wife and does not like to see her in the state she has been in for almost a week. His vote, do not answer the phone calls or text messages anymore.

There are some relationships with people that are toxic to our self being. They take away our joy and replace that joy with shame, self worthlessness, feelings of stupidity and other negative feelings. The exposure to toxic people should be short. For my health, it is not good to be around toxic people, even if they are family.

I have found another trigger. Hopefully the next time I have an episode, I will recognize the trigger sooner, and remove the snakes from the house.

amtolle