Privacy with Triplets

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My youngest daughter is pregnant with triplets. Being a young married woman with a child, it was not uncommon for her to be pregnant. When she learned she was pregnant with triplets, her life changed.

My daughter is very private, no facebook, no twitter, no photos of her or her family on the internet. She does not discuss family at work. Family members understand they do not post pictures of her or her family on any internet or social media.

When she was confirmed pregnant she had to inform her supervisors of the future need for maternity leave. When she learned she was carrying triplets, the need to inform more people at work arose. She would have to have medical accomodations in performing her duties. One accomodation was a golf cart to transportation to different buildings, as she was no longer to walk long distances. Her medical accomodations let others know she was pregnant with triplets.

I have posed the situation with her that having triplets will draw attention to her regardless if she wants the attention or not. People notice twins, triplets are more rare, and will definately be noticed. Trips to the store or doctor’s office for checkups, will draw attention. When the triplets start school, they will draw attention.

How does a person maintain anonymity with triplets?

First, no announcements or photos from the hospital when they are born. They have signed documents with the hospital informing the hospital not to photograph, video or print any information concerning their children.

While there are organizations that could assist them with the additional expenses of having triplets, those organizations would want photos for advertisement and recognition of assisting them. They are not receiving any outside help other than family.

At work, everyone wants to see the triplets after they are born. My daughter keeps work at work and home life private. The decision to not take the triplets to work was made well before they were conceived, when she decided to not take her other child to work. She is aware that her coworkers are going to want to see the babies, and she has thought of ways to diplomatically tell them no.

As the children grow there will be more decisions made to keep them safe and not in the public eye.

Be honest, we do not live in a safe world for children.

The days of riding a bike around the neighborhood and being home before the sunsets are gone. As a child there were hours my parents did not know my actual location. Today, it is not safe to let children roam without a parent in eyesight.

My children has observed the mother hen keeping her chicks close, then with one crackle the chicks scurry under her protective wings, totally hidden from the intruder or danger nearby. They are as the hen in how they teach their children to be while away from home.

Children are precious gems in our lives. It is a shame we can not share their beauty with others without the possibility of danger. We have to keep our children and grandchildren close and sometimes hidden in order to protect them.

amtolle

Words

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My children have become good people. They have good jobs, excellent work ethic, not been in jail. Each child moved out of the house when they graduated from high school. People have asked me how I managed to get my children to leave home, keep a job and pay their own bills. My answer for many years was “I do not know, I guess a lot of prayer.”

I prayed daily for my children, and still do. I also pray for my grandchildren.

My mother did not want to adopt me, and did not accept me until her very late years. I remember as a child, my mother did not say words of acceptance to me. I felt I was not accepted and therefore not loved. And truth is when I was a child I was not I was determined I would not be the type of mother my adopted mother was to me. I would encourage and let my children know they were accepted, loved and I was there to help them be the person they were to be.

Watching my children raise their children I seen a pattern of speaking to the children. I am reminded of phrases I used with my own children, being spoken by my children now adults to their children.

Simple words, words spoken of encouragement and acceptance.

A few of the phrases are:

Good Job.

Great work.

I like that.

Keep going, almost there.

You got it.

Looking good.

I like that _____.

You are getting better at that everyday.

Thank you for helping.

There are words for when they are too small to help or do what I am doing:

Thank you for wanting to help, but at this time you are too small or it is too dangerous for you to help, but you can watch and learn.

Our words affect how a person sees and understands themselves. Children are not the only ones who need encouraging words, adults also need encouragement.

amtolle

Letting Them Fly

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Bald Eagles in a tree, parent and fledgling ready to fly.

The bald eagle raises its young in very tall trees. When the fledglings grow they start jumping from one limb to another. Then one day, the parent eagle pushes them out of the tree, they have to learn to fly. While the young eagle is learning to fly, they also start learning to hunt for food. I have seen parent eagles take their young to the lake. The eagle float above the water, then dives, totally submersed below the surface, only through violent splashes of wings gains altitude with a fish in its claws. To a tree branch with their meal, only the parent eagles no longer share with the young, the young must learn to hunt. After several clumsy dives and resurfacing, the young eagles have a fish. They have successfully hunted.

I love motherhood. I would be so excited discovering I was pregnant. This little person developing and growing inside, totally dependent on me, and we are totally connected. I would have what my doctor and I called the “pregnancy flu” as morning sickness was all day and all night for twelve weeks. Then smooth sailing until about month 7 or 8 when their constant “rumbles” would make my ribcage sore. But I truly love being a mother.

Then the day would come, I would go into labor. I choose to deliver without any pain medications at all, nothing. I am over sensitive to medications, any type of pain relief puts me to sleep. I wanted to be awake for the birth of my baby. With each contraction I was one contraction closer to seeing the eyes of the little one I have been cherishing for nine months. Yes, that was my focus during labor.

I would say nothing during the labor, except “I think it is time to push.” My doctor did not like “silent mothers” as he could not tell how close the birth was without examining. He did not like to disturb a mother in labor, unless he had to. When I would say, ” I think it is time to push.” he would get ready to catch the baby. Once the baby was delivered, the doctor placed he or she directly into my arms, “Good job mom, now clean him or her up.” No nurses touched my babies first, I had the joy of being the first person my little one’s eyes saw, the first one to touch and clean them up. The greatest joy and most precious memory is looking into my child’s eyes for the very first time.

They were no longer totally connected to me. Although they were dependent for food and care, they were now in the world and separated from the warmth and protection my body gave them. I had to let go a tiny bit, so they could learn to fly.

I am amused and giggle when I hear a first time parent say, ” I can’t wait for little Sally to learn to walk.” I tell them to cherish the time they are not mobile, as that is the easiest stage of life, you can find them. But babies grow and soon they are mobile, first crawling, then walking and running. I had to search for my busy little children. They loved to learn and explore, as well play their favorite game, hide and make mom seek. I had to let go a little bit more, so they could learn to fly.

When they started kindergarten, I cried for a week. In a blink of an eye they were going to school. Where had the time gone? They were excited going to school, meeting new friends and learning. I had to reluctantly let go some more, so they could learn to fly.

Then came basketball games, volleyball games, band concerts, choir performances and theater productions. Trips won by art contests. A flurry of excitement, and the starting of dating, loves and heart break. With four children, I felt more like a taxi driver than a parent. They spent more time with their interests than they spent with me. Still I had to let go of them a little more, seemed I did not have much left to hold onto, but they needed to learn to fly.

Graduation, when did they get that old? The time flew by making the years feel like a few days. Off to college or starting a life of their own. I had to fight myself to let them totally go, as they had learned to fly. Where they soar to is their choice, their destination and their destiny.

As parents, we have a few short years to guide and teach our children to make wise and good choices. Each accomplishment we celebrate with joy, but we also are letting go a little more, as they are learning to fly.

All my children have flown. We are still connected by heart bond, so I am not totally alone. I now watch as my children learn to let their children go, as my grandchildren learn to fly.

amtolle