Category: Uncategorized

Writer’s Block

The questions and thoughts twirl in my mind like a tornado, yet I am unsure and unable to put a word down on a resume. I have watched tutorials on how to write a good resume. Resume format has changed in the last decade. Yet, all that has come to paper is my name and contact information.

I have not been slack the past eleven years. I have worked at raising horses for five years and the last six years I have been raising sheep. I worked remodeling and updating our home. Building a storage shed and four shelters plus fencing on the farm. There are daily duties performed regardless of the weather. But how does a person write this down for a resume.

I have been writing this blog for almost a year. Although some of the blogs are below average in my opinion, I have not had writer’s block, the inability to words to thoughts. I have started a novel, somedays the words fly from my mind to my fingers, other days there is a bit of struggle on how to word those thoughts, but the words appear. Then I started composing my resume and every thought disappeared.

Writer’s block where not a word even wants to appear, just plain void. It affected more than just the resume, I could not even respond to a text message from my daughter. If I had to put a word down in written format, my mind was totally blank.

I have never experienced a totally blank brain. My mind is always racing with thoughts and ideas. But two days ago, the mind was totally blank, froze up like a computer without a reset button.

Then yesterday, my husband and I worked on some steps for our backdoor. The warm sunshine, the simple painting with a paint brush back and forth covering every inch of wood. Our conversation of forward plans for our future, not words of resumes or job applications. Plain simple conversation and physical work with visits from the dogs, sheep and goats, the dam in my mind started leaking. As with any dam that begins to leak, more and more thoughts and information poured forth removing the blockage and freeing the stream of thoughts.

The writer’s block has a few remnants remaining, but I am sure with time those small blockages will move down the stream. I will remember where the reset button is on my mind should I ever freeze up with writer’s block in the future.

amtolle

Changes in Life’s Journey

Life is a journey with twists, turns, hills, valleys and rainbows. Each travels a pathway seeking a destination all their own. Sometimes those pathways cross others, or are shared for awhile.

When we start this journey of life we are children, traveling with our parent or parents, traveling the path the parent is traveling. As teenagers, we start wanting our own path, one that is close by, but yet separate. The security of being able to return to the path of our parent is a comfort when the path gets hard or difficult, or we reach a crossroads and unsure of where we are going. Gradually the path separates, and we are traveling our own journey through life.

For some of us, we are blessed with having someone to travel the path with. Having a partner to travel beside you on the journey of life is not an easy tasks. The twists, turns, hills, valleys are all there, only each can help the other, leading support and assistance when needed. Crossroads can be a challenge as both must agree on which path to take in order to travel together. There are times while traveling with a partner, that one of the partners has a harder time traveling that pathway, or the path chosen is more difficult for one, yet both are affected.

When life events changes things, and the path that was once smooth becomes difficult, a partnership can get stronger or be destroyed depending on how each reacts to the situation. Life events such as family deaths, injuries, loss of income or age can cause the partnership to be challenged.

My husband and I have been through so tough times. Being angry at each other during the difficult times does not make it easier to choose a path or to make the pathway smoother. It is hard to make good choices with high and hostile emotions.

Recently, my husband was released from his job, first time he has ever been fired. We were both angry, but not angry at each other. While there is evidence of discrimination, not enough on paper to make a winning case. I was aware of this job being a hostile environment for my husband. The tension after work was very apparent. He would be required to answer the phone calls from his supervisors, even on his days off, and not get paid. There were times his vacations and days off were cancelled as he was required to be at work as there was no one able to cover, and his supervisor was not going to.

Yes, we are without an income at this moment. Strangely, I am pleased he is not working for this company any longer. I tolerated the sharp remarks, quiet moodiness from him having a tough day at work. When his days off would come, it would take a full day for him to relax to work on the place with me, then a phone call would come and the mood be ruined.

Today, four days after him being dismissed. He was relaxed and calm. The best I have felt him be. We should be stressed about finances. The path should feel rocky, steep, dangerous, and yet, we both feel the pathway is smooth. We have a plan on how to get through this part of our life journey.

Today I had my partner, the one I married years ago. It felt good.

amtolle

The Challenge

Standing at where the narrow steep path spits in several directions. She knows where she wants to go, where she wants to be. How to get there is the dilemma. This is not her first crossroads, there have been other cross roads on her journey. At a few she made the decision she thought was right, only to have the pathway end at a cliff, from there she had to make her own path. Fighting and climbing to reach a place of relative safety, yet not where she wanted to be.

Once, she choose a path, the going was hard but not difficult. As she traveled, the ground started falling away before her. She turned to go back, the path was gone. The ground gave way under her feet. Falling seemed to take forever, then the searing pain through out her whole body as she hit the rocks below.

The extreme pain kept her paralyzed for awhile. With great determination, she gradually began to crawl, to move forward. With time her injuries healed, leaving scars and a limp as evidence of her trial. An inward drive keeps her going to where she wants to be. The place is said to be heaven, a place of no struggles and sunshine.

Today, she feels she is wearing a blindfold, unable to see past the decision she has to make. She is scared of where the path she chooses may lead her. Will it be closer to her destination or on a pathway where the ground disappears once more? Make a decision she will, and travel the path with hopes of reaching her destination.

So it is with the challenges we face. Life events happen and we are faced with decisions, not knowing where the whole pathway leads. Life events may be a change in income, a natural disaster or a biological event such as Covid. Perhaps it is a happy event such as a union or children.

A couple of days back, my husband was released from his job, our main income. Today we face decisions on what pathway to take. There are several choices to decide from, but which one is best? Regardless of the pathway we take, we will work together striving to reach our goals and dreams and growing stronger because of it.

Challenges give us the opportunity to grow, to become stronger. How we face the challenge and proceed forward determines our destination.

amtolle

Sore, Tired, Feel Good

Yesterday the weather forecast said there would be rain. Towards the end of doing my morning feeding and turning the sheep out to pasture, there was some tiny raindrops. I changed my plan of oiling thing wooden steps for the back door. I decided to deworm and trim feet on the last group of ewes. The working chutes are under a roof, so I would stay dry while working.

Since I was deworming, I needed to weigh the sheep first to determine how much dewormer to give that sheep. The floor for the sheep scale was worn out with places the sheep’s feet could get through. It was not raining very much yet, I will replace the board. I had to cut a the board to fit on the table saw. When done cutting, put the board in place. Perfect fit. I really love it when I use the table saw to cut a board and it fits perfect. I am not fond of the table saw, the saw blade is exposed making me nervous. Plus, the board was bigger than what I usually cut alone. Today, I cut the board, perfect fit, feel good about a job well done.

When I deworm and trim the feet of the sheep, I first put them in a small pen that has an opening for the sheep scale. The sheep scale has two gates, one for the sheep to get on the scale and one for the sheep to leave the scale. When the sheep leave the scale they are in a narrow alley, single file, that goes to the working chute. I can get four adult sheep in the alley at one time. The working chute, like the scale has a gate to enter and a gate to exit.

A sheep in the working chute getting feet trimmed.

I get a sheep in the scale and weigh it, writing the sheep’s ID number and weight down on paper. Open the exit gate for sheep to stand in the alley. I do this until the alley is full. Then I deworm each sheep using a liquid dewormer and drench ( a large syringe type instrument with an end that goes in the sheep’s mouth ). After those four are dewormed, I let one sheep in the working chute, and tip the sheep on its side. The working chute I have as a drop down floor, allowing me to have full access to the feet of the sheep. Trim the hoof walls of the sheep, replace the floor, tip back upright, open the exit gate. The sheep is done be dewormed and pedicure.

Doing one or two sheep is not so hard. Doing twenty takes longer. My hands get tired and sore from trimming the sheep’s feet since I have hand held hoof trims. Tipping the working chute up with a 150 pound sheep takes a little muscle. Then tipping the chute back down after I am done. Definitely a workout for the day.

At the end of the day, my hands are sore, my shoulders and legs are sore from working the chute. I am pleased, relieved and happy that the last group of sheep are done for several months.

I feel good when I finish a task, regardless of how sore and stiff I may be from using muscles I do not use on a daily basis.

amtolle

The Clutter Queen

There are areas I am very organized, with a place for each item. My tack shed is one such place. I have a place for each saddle, bridle, halter and lead rope. Yet, there are some areas I am the “Clutter Queen”.

I enjoy seeing a home with everything in a place, easy to find and retrieve when needed. Six years ago, I started on a journey to have a home neat and organized. I started in my bedroom, with the clothes closet, then dresser. Next on the list was the kitchen, followed by the other rooms in the home. Now I am to the most cluttered room in the house, my craft room.

My craft room is more than just crafts supplies, it also contains the totes of memories in the form of the things my children created in school, pictures taken before cell phones were invented and before cell phones had cameras. The rewards and ribbons my children won. Of all the rooms, this is the room hardest to declutter.

One step to decluttering a home is to get rid of things you no longer use or brings you joy. The totes and boxes of memories of my children’s childhood brings me joy, although I do not have them hanging to where I can see them daily. I do go through the boxes and recall the memories. I have asked my children if they want these items, they have taken one or two items from the boxes I have, the rest they do not want at that time.

One of my daughters made some pottery in her senior year of high school. When she finally moved all her belongings out of the house, she did not want the pottery any longer, told me to get rid of it. I held on the creations. A couple of years ago she spied the pottery pieces on a shelf. “I thought you got rid of those.” No, I had not, she asked if she could take them to her home. I said sure, they are yours. It is these types of events that make the decision to throw something away or to keep it.

I have decided to keep the items created by my children from their childhood years. Each child has their own box or boxes. It would not be so difficult if their creations were just drawings or their first “A” paper. There is pottery, sand art, leather projects that won Grand Champion at the fair, or medals and ribbons on victories won. Now to come up with a plan to organize these items.

When I was young, there was no problem with having an uncluttered house or room. That was before children, and life events. These momentos of the past have accumulated over time, each marking an accomplishment. Perhaps that is why old people have so much stuff, they have memories they are hanging onto.

The photos are an easy organizing subject as I can scan and put on a digital disk saving the all the memories for each child in digital form that takes up little physical space. The other items, I can only place in boxes or totes.

A plan to organize memories I can not seem to let go of at this time. When I am gone, my children will probably through most of the items in the trash. But for now, my craft room will remain a little cluttered, as I am not ready to let go of the lifetime of memories I have with my children.

amtolle

Thankful for Sunshine

The past two weeks have been cloudy and overcast with the hope of rain. I love rain falling. In my area we need rain. But the dreary grey blue days of cloudy overcast causes my spirit to drop. The cloudy overcast days of filtered sunshine does not help the daily depression I battle. Sunshine brings hope, warmth and light. Like the plants, I need sunshine to be energized.

Today I have sunshine.

How long the sunshine will last, only a day or two then it is back to overcast skies with the hope of rain.

But today, I will soak up and enjoy the sunshine.

amtolle

Voting – Right or Duty

Yesterday was Election Day in the United States, the last day to cast your vote for people wanting to represent their community, state or country in a governing position. The United States is a Democratic Republic, in short the people are represented in government by those the majority vote to hold that position.

It has always been a common phrase of mine, “If you do not vote, you do not have the right to complain.” I really dislike hearing people complain about a person who was voted into the office, yet they did not cast their vote for who they wanted in office.

Yesterday while I was waiting to cast my vote, a younger person was in line ahead of me. When the person went to get their ballot number, it was announced they were a “First time voter!” and every cheered and clapped. I joined in congratulating the person for taking the time and effort to do a very important part in maintaining a democratic government – voting.

I feel that a citizen living in any democratic country, should vote in that country’s elections. If a democratic government which is designed to govern my the majority is to be kept, voting is a necessary part of the governing process. How are the people of the country going to be represented if they do not vote.

In the United States, I have the right to own a gun, yet I do not own a gun. I do not exercise this right of owning a gun. I have the right to vote, a right I exercise at every election.

Yet, if I want to keep my country democratic – as a citizen, it is my duty to vote so the whole of the population is represented in government not just those who choose to vote. Voting is something that I must do in order to maintain the democratic government of the country I was born in and choose to live in.

The founding fathers of the United States wanted representation for all the citizens through the process of democrating voting to elect representatives for the area they live in. Democracy in short definition is government by the majority not the few. If the whole population of the citizens does not vote, how can the citizens of the country be represented in the government?

Voting is the voice of the citizen in a democratic government.

It is not my concern of who you vote for as long as who you vote for is your choice, your voice. I feel every citizen should vote, exercise the right as it is your duty.

amtolle

Libraries and Internet

When I was in elementary school I was introduced to the school library. The school library had shelves and shelves of books, telling different stories in far away lands that helped me to escape my daily life. I developed a love for books, stories and the library. Soon the library became my favorite place to go in school. I enjoyed the quiet solitude of sitting in a corner enveloped in book telling me of adventures or mysteries in another world.

When I was in high school I was required to write reports on different subjects, depending on the class subject. In order to obtain the information for the reports I would visit the school and local library. Searching through the library card catalogue of thousands of card files to find books relating to the subject I was writing about, writing down the dewey decimal number indicating the location, then searching the many shelves to find the book and checking the book out for a week in order to read and learn about the subject.

I spent hours in a library enjoying the quietness, the smell of books and seeing all the different subjects a person can learn about. I would browse through the library card catalogue, exploring the various subjects I had not thought about learning. Libraries were an adventure of exploration and knowledge.

When I started raising and training horses I would buy books and purchase magazine subscriptions to gain knowledge on horses. I built my own library containing the information on the business of horses. When I would advertise horses for sale or availability of training, the ads were in local newspapers. Magazines would keep me abreast of shows and horse events in my area.

Then I purchased my first computer, a large bulking tool, to keep track of the financials and write contracts and agreements. The computer was a place to put in information related to the business of raising, training and selling horses. When needed I could easily retrieve the information I put into the computer, relieving my office of paper clutter.

Then came the internet. When I first experienced the internet, I used it mainly for advertising horses for sale and keeping abreast of shows and horse events. Advertising on the internet opened a larger audience, people from other states, areas and countries.

I learned the internet could provide me with information to answer specific questions instead of reading a whole book to find the answer. I could get up to date information on care and treatments for my horses from universities and colleges.

Eventually I had a website for the horses, listing pedigree information, pictures and accomplishments of the horses I owned, raised and those for sale. The internet allowed me to download show entry forms and registration applications. Soon, I was able to register horses without using the postal service and postage stamps.

Then life changes happened, I stopped raising horses and started raising sheep. A totally new animal to learn about. Once again the internet was there to help learn how to care and raise my sheep. You tube offered first hand knowledge by watching how others raise and care for their sheep.

Today, I use the internet to learn new skills in gardening, organization, sewing and recipes among other things that might catch my eye. Knowledge is everywhere on any subject for any country with the tool of the internet. But I have not left my first love behind, I still enjoy and love visiting the local libraries. Although my old friend the library card catalogue is no longer in use as it has been moved to a computer, the smell of books, the quietness and becoming enveloped in a book on an adventure far away are still there.

amtolle

Modern Technology

November is here and this year I am concentrating on what I am thankful for. Today I am thankful for modern technology. One piece of modern technology is the cell phone.

I am older than some and I grew up with a telephone connected to the wall and on a party line of four people. A party line is when people share one line for a telephone. Each person is given a specific ring to know if the call is for their number. I could not just pick up the phone and call a friend, I had to listen first to see if the line was clear or available for me to make the phone call. The other restriction was where I was calling. If the phone call was to someone on a different phone company, I was required to pay additional money for “long distance”.

Today, three of my children live in different states and one lives over a hundred miles away. If I were to make a phone call to them using the phone system I grew up with and had the majority of my life – ALL calls would be long distance and cost money. With today’s cell phones I can call, talk to all the grandchildren, and talk as long as I want without any extra expense.

I remember the first photos of my siblings and I when we were kids. The photos were from a Polaroid camera. My mom would take snap a picture, the picture would shoot out the front and we would watch as the image magically appeared. The film was expensive, so photos from this camera were few. Later, for Christmas I received my first camera. It was a 120 camera requiring flash cubes for inside photos. I had to take a certain number of pictures before I could take the film cartridge into the local drug store to have it developed. Each flash cube was only good for four photos. It took two weeks to get the film developed.

Later as an adult I purchased a 35 mm camera with a battery operated flash. Although the film was not as expensive and I did not have to purchase flash cubes for inside photo shots, there was still the wait for having the film developed into negatives and photos. I was so thankful when the local grocery store opened a 1 hour photo development department. Now with a little extra expense I could see my photos in one hour instead of two weeks. In order to share the events of my children with their grandparents and relatives, I would have to select a photo, find the negative number and get copies made. Wait and pay for the copies, then put them in an envelope with a postage stamp and mail them to relatives.

My first few cell phones had no photo capability. Today, my children can take instant photos or videos with their cell phones, and text the moment to me almost as it is happening. There is no extra expense or long wait to see what my grandchildren are doing at their events and important moments of their lives. We are able to capture any moment at any time to save and share. I am thankful that my children can share their lives with me at the time it is happening without the financial burden of their parents faced.

With today’s cell phones it is cheaper and more spontaneous to keep in touch with family and friends and share moments. I am thankful as I can see my grandchildren and share their experiences although we live hundreds and in some cases thousands of miles apart.

amtolle

Thankful for Family

November is the month we celebrate Thanksgiving Day. A day of celebrating with a feast, family and friends the events and things we are thankful for having in our lives.

I am thankful for family. This year I had a granddaughter born as well as three grandsons, a set of triplets. My children are finished increasing the size of their families. I am blessed and thankful for fifteen living grandchildren.

I am thankful for my spouse, my husband of thirteen years. I am so thankful he was not bothered when I was gone for two months helping my daughter and her family before and after the triplets were born. He took care of the farm and worked his job while I was away. He is always there to talk to and share my thoughts and feelings during the year. He handles my anxiety and quirky was like a pro.

This year my oldest daughter and her children visited us for the first time at the farm. Her children were able to learn some about riding horses from their granny. We made birdhouse and windchimes. The most important thing is we made memories.

Once again I was able to have my grandson, Mr. J, for a few weeks this summer. Mr. J came to live with me for several months when he was two years old. And he has visited me every summer for three to four weeks, except the first year of Covid. Needless to say we have a special relationship. We fish and ride the horses, garden, paint something and do a lot of talking. This year he is thirteen years old. We both realized that the summer visits will eventually come to an end. This year we truly cherished the weeks we had together.

There was sadness this year as well. My husband sister passed away due to cancer. My uncle passed away due to medical issues. Both of them are missed.

I am thankful for family.

amtolle