amtolle

Technology Frustrations

Computers are an invention that is to make our work easier and faster than the old fashion method of paper, pen and postal service. We can send a message in seconds instead of weeks.

The internet which requires a computer or smart phone to access allows us to share or gain information across the globe, instead of from our local community. News travels in seconds not months.

I use the computer and internet to write this blog. I research the internet for information regarding my sheep and other interests. I have meet wonderful people on the internet, including my awesome husband.

This week I have been putting the financial information together to file the required taxes in the United States. I worked as a bookkeeper, using pen and paper to records business money transactions for others. I learned to use the awkward and frustrating programs that first appeared with computers being used for record keeping. And I have used a computer program for my personal financial record keeping for the past thirteen years.

I procrastinate. I dislike record keeping, so I put off months of record keeping to do in one or two days. Which works out to recording all the transactions in three settings of two days of work at the computer, instead of doing it daily. At tax time is the final push for getting everything entered and starting on the current year. I run the reports and print off necessary information to file the tax return.

This year inputting the last of the receipts into the program, the computer “crashed”. Yes, years of work gone in the blink of an eye. Computer no longer works or runs correctly. The screen of various neon colors and flashes assorted images. It is an old computer. After working hard for me the past seven years, the computer has gone senile. It will rest in peace somewhere, on a shelf in the closet. As with the computer’s current state of “mind” I will be unable to wipe its memory and dispose of it properly. Yes, my faithful computer has become a dust collector for the top shelf in the closet.

Due to my paranoia of someone obtaining my financial information and using stealing what few finances I possess, I have always kept our financial record keeping on a computer that does not ever get to play with the internet. The one used for the internet searches and information sharing never gets to know my financial records keeping.

I did contemplate returning to my roots of paper and pen to record all my financial expenses and income and miscellaneous records. The thought of how much time and work is required in keeping track of expenses and income is with such a method. I would not have time to do what I enjoy doing. Yes, the computer does make it easier and faster than paper and pen.

A new era has dawned, I only have one computer now. I realized two years ago, my financial information is on the internet. With everything being paid by auto pay, bill pay and other means. The information is out there somewhere in the great expanse of the world wide web.

So, after an hour spent downloading the program, I am set to enter the entire year of financial receipts and deposits a second time.

amtolle

Reflection

My husband is visiting his sister, Ms. S, and family. I mention his sister as she is ill, cancer. The doctors have not informed her of how advanced the cancer is. Their sister, Mrs. L, knows, but no one has informed the patient, Ms. S. This is not a happy visit of catching up on family doings.

It is the last visit.

The discussion among the siblings is do we tell Ms. S or do we not tell Ms. S, how advanced the cancer is. A tough decision.

In the movie “The Alamo” produced by John Wayne, a character named Preacher tells a young man, “The good Book says everybody dies. The when and how, only the good Lord knows.”

When faced with death, we reflect on our lives. What regrets do we have? Dreams unfulfilled? Accomplishments? Successes?

I have some regrets, but hindsight is always 20/20, perfect vision. One regret is not spending more time with my children when they were small. My children do not think I neglected spending time or doing things with them. I look back and realize how few years we had together, and selfishly I want more memories.

There are dreams I had as a young person that will not come to pass. As a young person my dream was to be a veterinarian, I wanted to be able to help animals. I did not complete college to get a degree in veterinarian medicine, and I will not ever complete the schooling. However, I do veterinarian work with my own animals. Yesterday, I had to take care of an injured goat. I may not have doctor attached to my name, but I do medical procedures on my own animals, so in a way I am a veterinarian.

**My Last Appaloosa Foal, Sparkle Lilly, 6 months age.**

As an adult, my big dream was to raise an Appaloosa World Champion. I will not experience raising an Appaloosa World Champion. But daily I enjoy my two Appaloosa horses. I am proud of the horses I raised through my life. Last spring, I saw my last foal come into the world, a beautiful filly. My preferred coloring on an Appaloosa, a bay with a blanket. I asked two of my granddaughters to name her, one said “Sparkle” the other, “Lilly”. I combined the two names, Sparkle Lilly, only to be educated by my youngest granddaughter I named my foal after a “My Little Pony” figure and cartoon character.

I still dream of raising a champion, only it is with my sheep. I work towards the goal with each lambing and every purchase of a new ram or ewe. I still have dreams I am working at each day.

I have touched the lives of others encouraging and inspiring them to reach for their dreams and enjoy the trip. I touched many youth with the horsemanship clinics and lessons through the years. I worked with youth and adults to learn leather craft, ceramics and other activities. Always encouraging them to be the best they can be for themselves, not for others.

In competition, regardless of how many are in the class, there is always only one first place, and always one last place. The placing in the competition is not as important as how you felt about your performance. I would meet with my young riders and ask how they felt about their performance. I wanted to know their thoughts on what they did better than last time, how was the communication with the horse, all the high points they felt they did. Then I would ask, what do you want to work on next and why? The important answer was why.

Today is the only day we have to live. Tomorrow is not here. Each day I let my husband know I love him. I call my children and grandchildren often, I want them to know I love and care for them. I do my chores, care for my animals, do the things that bring me joy, and take care of the necessary things required to live life today (cooking, cleaning and laundry…lol).

Everyday, I ask myself” What do I want to improve on and why?” Why do I want to learn more cooking recipes and techniques? Why do I choose those vegetables to plant? or Why do I want to plant that type of tree?

I want to meet death while living. I have expressed this to my husband and my children. I want to be doing the things I love to do.

amtolle

Challenges of Blogging

I started blogging in August of 2021 about sheep and taking care of sheep. I wanted to share my experience and solutions with those starting to raise sheep. Then I had to get the house ready for our Christmas celebration, and did not have time to write blogs about sheep.

I joined Bloganaury and my education began. I read and seen what others were doing, rating their blogs and websites. I decided to have a different site to blog about anything and everything that came to me mind.

I started understanding what blogging is.. as I had not really taken time to read blogs. I actually like reading blogs. I have learned some new interests while reading others’ blogs during Bloganaury.

One challenge I found is photographs for my blogs. I really do not like using others’ photos. Perhaps it comes from college days and copywrite or giving citations for using others’ words. But using someone else’s creation for my own story or blog causes some discomfort. I know there are citations with the photos I use. And for some mind thoughts I will continue to use others’ photos as I am unable to get take the photograph myself. Such as at the top of a mountain looking into a valley. I do not live near mountains any longer.

Having time to take photos for my own blogs, is time consuming. Setting up the subject with good lighting can be a challenge in itself. Since most of my blogs involve some type of animal, getting an animal to cooperate is a challenge in itself. Photos of recipes, or steps in a process is a challenge, as most of the time I just do without realizing every step. I have had to slow down, and think through how I do something in order to write about and take photos. I am working on the photographs for future blogs.

It takes planning to do a blog with photographs and videos. Putting videos into the blogs will be another learning experience. I am learning to operate my cell phone photo and video capabilities, and I have seen improvement in my ability to capture a photo. Sometimes I get a good photo by total accident. Like the one below of my new ram. I took the photo threw a two inch crack in the trailer gate, pure luck in the photo.

I enjoy the blogging community. I am inspired by others blogs. I am encouraged to write by blogs and comments. My perfectionism has drives me to constant improvement on whatever I am working at learning or doing.

I have decided to step out into an area I am very unfamiliar with – writing a book. I have people request I put into book form my horsemanship program for youth. The program does more than just teach horsemanship, as with each lesson a child is taught respect, communication, self confidence, self love and love for animals as well as others. The horse is the instrument but not necessarily the focus of the lesson, the child is. The lessons can be taught with using horsemanship as a tool, but the horse does not necessarily need to be present. Children in towns and cities could still learn, even without the horse. I will be sharing parts of this book in my blog for feedback, so look forward to participation.

Blogging has taught me to slow down, think about the day, what I do and how I do things. Slowing down has helped me to communicate better verbally with others. My mind works very fast, putting things together faster than my fingers can type or my mouth can work out words.

Thank you for the likes and comments. I do read each one with apprecition.

amtolle

Sunshine on Cloudy Days

The past three days has been cold, windy and cloudy. I do not like stepping outside on cold days, like below 50 degrees Fahrenheit. I have never cared for the wind, and a cold north wind is miserable for me. I love to look at individual clouds and cloud formations, but the past three days have been a blanket of grey. The weather depresses me and I have to find “sunshine”.

I am a sheep farmer. Regardless of the weather, I have to go outside to feed and care for the sheep. On cold, windy, cloudy days, the sheep are my sunshine. They great me with hungry baas, even if I fed them an hour before. They walk up to the gate to give me a look and smell.

This afternoon it did warm a bit, the wind calmed down and the sun peaked out. My husband and I was doing the evening feeding. I was looking over the sheep. In one pen of expectant first time mother ewes, I was bent over so we could look each other eye to eye, and smell noses. My husband asked “What are you doing?” Still looking eye to eye and smelling noses, I replied “talking to my sheep”. I was asking them how they felt. By looking in their eyes, with experience, a person can tell if the sheep is feeling good or a little bad or just miserable. Smelling noses is how sheep and animals recognize each other and me.

I was also looking these young expectant mothers over, to see if they were getting ready to have their lambs in two weeks on their earliest due date, or if they were going to be a little later.

I get excited when lambing is getting close. I finally get to see if my calculations on a good genetic cross was good, fair or bad. Raising sheep is a challenge for me as I have an ideal sheep in my mind that I am trying to produce through my sheep breeding program.

I realized today, I challenge my knowledge of sheep, breeding and care. I also challenge myself with cooking, sewing and garden. I am not satisfied with staying the way I am, not that I am bad. I am always wanting to improve and expand what I know and do. In doing so, I find my sunshine.

I get excited trying new recipe or changing an old recipe when cooking, this is a ray of sunshine. I love to watch the seedlings sprout through the ground and begin to grow. When the first fruit from my vegetable plants appears, I act like a child on Christmas morning seeing abundant presents under the tree, this is sunshine.

Where do you find sunshine? What observations bring a smile, and warms the heart?

Do you really enjoy your accomplishments? or reaching the goals you have set? Often, we acknowledge them for a moment then forget, as we are on our way to the next goal, the next accomplishment. Not really savoring the moment to create the sunshine we need to go forward.

The past five years I have been working at putting together a really nice flock of ewes. I have culled and then raised my own ewes. Last year I had twelve ewes. Today, I have thirty-two ewes, most I have raised. One of my goals five years ago was to have all registered sheep. I have almost reached that goal.

Today, looking the sheep in the eye and smelling noses, I was savoring my accomplishment. I was enjoying having reached a marker in my long-term goals. I wanted to remember the joy, satisfaction and retain the excitement of this accomplishment.

Take time to see, smell and savor your accomplishments, and to share them with the ones you love.

amtolle

Letting Them Fly

Bald Eagles in a tree, parent and fledgling ready to fly.

The bald eagle raises its young in very tall trees. When the fledglings grow they start jumping from one limb to another. Then one day, the parent eagle pushes them out of the tree, they have to learn to fly. While the young eagle is learning to fly, they also start learning to hunt for food. I have seen parent eagles take their young to the lake. The eagle float above the water, then dives, totally submersed below the surface, only through violent splashes of wings gains altitude with a fish in its claws. To a tree branch with their meal, only the parent eagles no longer share with the young, the young must learn to hunt. After several clumsy dives and resurfacing, the young eagles have a fish. They have successfully hunted.

I love motherhood. I would be so excited discovering I was pregnant. This little person developing and growing inside, totally dependent on me, and we are totally connected. I would have what my doctor and I called the “pregnancy flu” as morning sickness was all day and all night for twelve weeks. Then smooth sailing until about month 7 or 8 when their constant “rumbles” would make my ribcage sore. But I truly love being a mother.

Then the day would come, I would go into labor. I choose to deliver without any pain medications at all, nothing. I am over sensitive to medications, any type of pain relief puts me to sleep. I wanted to be awake for the birth of my baby. With each contraction I was one contraction closer to seeing the eyes of the little one I have been cherishing for nine months. Yes, that was my focus during labor.

I would say nothing during the labor, except “I think it is time to push.” My doctor did not like “silent mothers” as he could not tell how close the birth was without examining. He did not like to disturb a mother in labor, unless he had to. When I would say, ” I think it is time to push.” he would get ready to catch the baby. Once the baby was delivered, the doctor placed he or she directly into my arms, “Good job mom, now clean him or her up.” No nurses touched my babies first, I had the joy of being the first person my little one’s eyes saw, the first one to touch and clean them up. The greatest joy and most precious memory is looking into my child’s eyes for the very first time.

They were no longer totally connected to me. Although they were dependent for food and care, they were now in the world and separated from the warmth and protection my body gave them. I had to let go a tiny bit, so they could learn to fly.

I am amused and giggle when I hear a first time parent say, ” I can’t wait for little Sally to learn to walk.” I tell them to cherish the time they are not mobile, as that is the easiest stage of life, you can find them. But babies grow and soon they are mobile, first crawling, then walking and running. I had to search for my busy little children. They loved to learn and explore, as well play their favorite game, hide and make mom seek. I had to let go a little bit more, so they could learn to fly.

When they started kindergarten, I cried for a week. In a blink of an eye they were going to school. Where had the time gone? They were excited going to school, meeting new friends and learning. I had to reluctantly let go some more, so they could learn to fly.

Then came basketball games, volleyball games, band concerts, choir performances and theater productions. Trips won by art contests. A flurry of excitement, and the starting of dating, loves and heart break. With four children, I felt more like a taxi driver than a parent. They spent more time with their interests than they spent with me. Still I had to let go of them a little more, seemed I did not have much left to hold onto, but they needed to learn to fly.

Graduation, when did they get that old? The time flew by making the years feel like a few days. Off to college or starting a life of their own. I had to fight myself to let them totally go, as they had learned to fly. Where they soar to is their choice, their destination and their destiny.

As parents, we have a few short years to guide and teach our children to make wise and good choices. Each accomplishment we celebrate with joy, but we also are letting go a little more, as they are learning to fly.

All my children have flown. We are still connected by heart bond, so I am not totally alone. I now watch as my children learn to let their children go, as my grandchildren learn to fly.

amtolle

Seasonal Traditions

My family has recipes for every season and holiday. This past Christmas, both my daughters asked that I write down all our traditional family recipes for each holiday. They also threw in requests for my bread recipe, cinnamon rolls and others.

I love to cook. During the holidays, I would have all my children join me in the kitchen to cook the meals. My sons enjoyed cooking as much as the girls. I did not have much money for gifts, but we could celebrate and have fun in the kitchen during the holidays. The foods we cooked did not have a written recipe, but was a pinch of this, a bunch of that, just so of this. They would watch and help. The measurements of how many hands of flour would change as they grew older. When they try to make the foods today, they call mom for instructions or to verify the instructions, what temperature to cook at, etc.

I also have recipes from their grandmother on their dad’s side of the family. Some of her recipes were from her maternal great-grandmother. A couple of the recipes for canning, say to “grind” the ingredients. I remember my mother using an old hand cranked meat grinder to make pickle relish. There were different blade patterns for different functions.

I am hoping next year to give these cookbooks of recipes and pictures to my children and grandchildren as gifts before Christmas. My children all love to cook and try new recipes. My grandchildren are starting to learn. It will be a nice legacy not just from me, but from generations back of their family.

amtolle

Grandparents are Important

My cousin, Melba, and I talked last night about our parents. Her nephews are asking their grandmother questions about their grandfather of family history. Melba mentioned to them, they needed to ask about their grandmother’s history as it is very different and interesting. Melba’s mother and my father were siblings. They were born into a very poor family at the beginning of the Great Depression.

My dad told me a story he thought was humorous about when he was a small child. His family was picking fruit or vegetables in southern Texas. He heard on the radio the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and the men in charge were worried and upset. He ran to his dad, “Dad, we need to hide the Japanese are coming!” His dad told him to calm down, and asked a few questions, then started laughing. “Son, the Japanese are not going to bomb us, Texas is a very long way from Pearl Harbor.” My dad thought the planes were going to bomb him and his family at any moment.

Melba shared when her mom was little she loved to go grocery shopping with her mother as she picked out the flour, based on the color pattern of the sack. Her dresses were made from flour sacks. As a teenager, her mom no longer wanted to go shopping with her family, as they were really poor and she was embarrassed to be seen with them.

Melba could not understand her mother being embarrassed to be with her family. I reminded Melba to look at the situation from her mother’s perspective. Young ladies future was in who they would marry. There were not job opportunities as today. Her mom and my mom were restricted to being a teacher, nurse, or secretary as jobs for descent respectable women. If her mother wanted to get out of poverty, the best way was to marry a man with more money than her family. If she was seen with her poor family, her chances of getting a young man from a middle class or higher economic status to look at her as a potential wife would be less to zero.

Our mothers had very different pressures on them, than we did and our children have. The primary goal for our mothers was to find a man to be a husband, someone to provide a comfortable life for them and to have children for the man. Our mothers told us that was what was expected of them when they graduated from high school.

My father started working at age 12 to help support the family. He and his older brother would work in the crop fields and orchards in California up to Washington. Her mother would watch the young brother while her mother worked in the fields. In the winter they would return to New Mexico, and attend school. My dad and his brother would miss half of the school year to work logging or hunting or some other day labor type job to assist in supporting the family. Her mom was allowed to attend school daily.

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas on Pexels.com

My mom received piano lessons, not for cultural education, but for monetary reasons. Her dad and brother were a country band and they needed a piano player. After a few lessons, mom learned to play by ear. She was playing in the band at age 12 years every weekend. Her younger sister at age 9 years was singing. The money the band playing brought in helped support the family. The family band did start a family history of music through the grandchildren and great grandchildren. A legacy of my mother’s father.

My parents were adults when they bought their first televisions and have a telephone in the house. I grew up with a black and white television and a telephone attached to the wall with the receiver was connected by a short cord and party lines with four or six other families. On party lines you had to count long and short rings to determine if the call was for you or someone else. Long distant calls cost money, you could only call friends who lived in your small area of the town you lived in. I was an adult with children when we could walk around the house with a telephone in hand and you could call within the state before it was long distance. Today, I have a cell phone, with no long distance charges except out of country.

Grandparents are an important key in the history and genealogy of families. Grandparents remember the family stories, family history and have life experiences with actual historical events. My Uncle recorded some of their dad’s life experiences and songs he used to sing on a cassette. Unfortunately, none of us are able to listen to the tapes, as we do not have cassette players, but the tapes are still cherished. Today, we can record videos on our cellphones, saving the history and stories in digital form for future generations.

amtolle

Letters of Love

February is when people focus on their love for others and themselves. At the end of every year, I do a self reflection of the year and my life. I have thirteen grandchildren, with one on the way and one in planning.

The sad part is I live so far away from my children and grandchildren. There are times, I feel I do not know my grandchildren, but mostly they do not know me.

On resolution I made for 2022 was to write letters to my grandchildren. To share with them stories of the parents’ childhood and mine. The share memories.

I realize we have email and texting, but that is not the same as getting a letter, just for them in the mail. Think, what do people usually get in the mail? We pay our bills online, very few get paper statements. I get advertisements, credit card and insurance sales pitches, nothing personal.

I remember when my children would get a birthday invitation from a friend in the mail. They were so excited and that was back in the day when mailing something was common. How much more exciting would it be today for a child to get a handwritten letter from their grandmother who lives far away?

I decided to hand write the letters. Hand written letters are not seen with the common use of computers. The easy pecking of the keys to put thoughts on a screen, make a mistake just delete or the computer automatically fills in the words for you.

A hand written letter takes thought to compose the idea and artfully draw the letters on to the paper. The action of writing the letters, words and thoughts is time consuming, but special when received. Each person has a distinct way of moving the pen or pencil to create lines, letters and words forming thoughts. Hand written letters will be giving an actual piece of myself to my grandchildren.

Perhaps I am old fashion, I am definitely older. I remember writing letters and receiving letters from my grandparents. I felt so grown up and special when I opened the letter addressed to me.

Perhaps, some old fashion ways of doing things should not be taken away due to technology and advancements.

amtolle

A New Man In Town

Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

TODAY WAS AUCTION DAY !! I am a sheep farmer. I raise registered Full Blood Dorper sheep and unregistered or commercial Dorper sheep. Today was the second Saturday of the month and auction day.

I go to a local auction owned and operated by a young man. I watched him grow up and grow his sheep and goat business to be able to purchase the sale barn. He has watched me develop my herd from the purchase of cheap cull sheep, to selecting and breeding to now produce the highest selling market lambs at his auction. Needless to say, we have history.

The sheep and goat auction is my one social event where I leave the farm for a few hours to talk and mingle with like minded people, other sheep and goat farmers or those who want to raise some sheep and goats. The auction is its own social club, where people know people and do business. I have friends that is the only place we meet, as we live hours apart. We discuss sheep prices, the weather, how to make moonshine and other various topics. It is also the place I make contacts for selling breeding stock.

Today, I was going with a purpose other than social. The owner of the sale barn had posted pictures on face book of some registered Full Blood Dorper rams. These rams looked really nice in the pictures, but there were no pictures of the registration papers. Very seldom at the auction will high quality registered Dorper sheep be consigned for the sale. I decided I would have a look.

I woke up earlier, did chores earlier. It was freezing weather today. I decided to take only the truck, and not bother connecting the trailer as I probably would not need it. I arrived at the sale barn at 8 am, when they open the doors. I went inside to look at the registration papers on the rams posted to face book. I was checking their age and bloodlines. If the bloodlines do not work with my breeding program I do not bother looking at the sheep. Bloodlines would work with my flock, plus three of the rams were from sets triplets lambs. That is a plus.

Brave the freezing wind and look at the rams. I was not the only one looking. Another person who is a sheep broker (He buys sheep for others to purchase, or represent others in a purchase) was also looking, actually he was drooling. I was judging the sheep. To maintain or improve my quality of sheep, I have to be very picky about the purchase of sheep for my breeding program. I judged every ram in the pen, placed them first, second and third.

Next, come up with a plan for the bidding on these rams. In any auction, you need to know what you are looking for. Next, set the highest price you can pay for it and do not change your mind once bidding has started. Have a plan on how you are going to bid before the item comes up for bidding. If you do not have a plan and price, you will get pulled in by the auctioneer’s spell and spend way too much for something. I see it happen the second and fourth Saturday of every month.

My plan on bidding for the ram was to “separate the men from the boys” as they say. I knew what the starting bid would probably bid. I knew what the animal was worth. I was going to start the bidding, and my first bid was going to be higher than normal, but not top dollar for the animal. I had my top bid set in my mind and was not going to higher. Today, was serious business.

By now, others were arriving. I met with friends and exchanged conversation. I drank coffee and waited for the show to start. The show starts when the auctioneer takes his seat, and everyone else gets in place. The front rows are reserved for buyers, people who spend hundreds to thousands each sale. I am not one of those. I chose to stand along the sides until the rams I was going to bid on came into the ring.

The sale started, bottle babies both sheep and goats that have to be bottle fed because they are so young. Then a some sheep and goats. Finally the rams marched in. I left my position along the side, walked up to the front, and stood in the center and stood next my friend Dennis seated on the front row. He asked if they were my sheep. I said no. He laughed and said not yet anyways. Dennis, his wife and my best friend, Connie and I had a short laugh.

Instead of selling them one at a time, like I thought they would. They were going to sell choice, which means a person bids, the one with the highest bid gets to choose which one or several they are going to buy from the group. Choice, I was pleased, would work really well with my plan.

After a brief description stating they were registered full bloods and their age, the auctioneer asked the sale barn owner, what you want to start them at? I looked straight at the auctioneer and loudly replied with my bid 800. The broker who was drooling outside looking at the rams, just dropped his head, he was out bid. The auctioneer looked at me as did the sale barn owner, and the rapid, flurry of bidding started. I kept my eyes locked on the auctioneer, every time someone bid higher than me, the auctioneer looked me eye to eye, and I nodded my new bid. When the gavel hit, I owned a new ram and I did not reach my top bid.

Dennis, Connie and the other professional buyers and brokers on the front and second rows, congratulated me on the purchase of really fine ram. We know each other my name. We laugh and joke at the sale. We have funny stories to share from our Saturdays at the sale barn.

Now, I had to pay for my ram, and go home to get the trailer in order to take the ram home.

Meet “JUMBO”, registered Full Blood Dorper, born March 2021. The new man at the farm. He will cross well with my other ram, “Max”.

If you enjoy watching people, an auction is a fun place to go. Look for people’s bidding technique, some nod, some just move a finger, some way wildly in the air, each has their own way of letting the auctioneer know they are wanting to buy.

Hope you enjoyed. I am excited about this new guy, and am looking forward to his lambs.

amtolle

Happily Ever After

We all dream of living a “Happily Ever After” life with someone we love. We observe couples who always seem to be comfortable and happy together. Often a thoughts comes to our minds – they are only acting in front of others, behind closed doors I bet it is different.

I believe in “Happily Ever After”. That does not mean my husband and I agree on everything all the time. Or we never have negative feelings about the other. We do not agree all the time and sometimes we get frustrated or upset with the other. But we placed rules on our relationship at the very beginning.

We had both been in in unhappy marriages, both gotten divorced, and both knew we did not want to live in the type of relationships we had before.

First Rule – do not yell or raise your voice in anger. Nobody likes to be yelled at. I had spent 15 years being yelled at by my previous husband, and I yelled back. Kids do not like parents yelling at each other. Likewise, he had experienced the same thing, just not in front of his children. Talk to me, do not yell at me.

Second Rule – We have to agree before making big purchases. Money is the number one reason couples fight and for divorces. We decided to discuss purchases great and small. We usually shop together, since I am not fond of crowds. But at gift giving, we agree on maximum amount to be spent to keep our budget balanced. I balance the money accounts and track all expenses.

Third Rule – We have to communicate. We talk everyday, about everything. If he does something I do not like, actually it is usually something he does not do that bothers me. We have a focused discussion, I tell how I feel about the subject, we come up with a solution or compromise. I have had to change some behaviors and he has had to change. Then as you get older you both change and have to discuss those changes as well.

In our relationship, the house and place are mine to do with as I want. If I want to paint a wall red, I can. I decorate, plant bushes and a garden. I care for the sheep and critters we have. The house is my place to do pretty much what I want.

One day, my husband comes home from work and finds the neighbor’s tractor in our front yard, an enormous pile of dirt in the yard and a large pile of chunks of cement, and a huge, deep “moat” in front of the house, and unable to get to the front door.

My husband enters the home using the back door and askes, “Honey how was your day?”

My response ” I am tired of skunks!” We had a serious skunk problem.

Then he asked, “why the tractor and dirt was in the front yard?

“Because the skunks walk up the sliding sidewalk to get under the floor of the house. We can not sleep in our bedroom again, because it stinks. I removed the sidewalk, now they can not get under the floor of the house. In a week I can sleep in my bed.” He laughed and said “ok.”

When he said ok, I realized I probably should have discussed this plan of action with him before I had the moat in the front yard. But, I am married to an awesome man, he was not angry, upset, frustrated. I was at the skunks. He just laughed and went on. The skunks were a problem, and I came up with a solution.

Communication is also just asking about the other’s day, expressing ideas, discussing a movie or book. Just everyday talk to says “You are important to me and I value you”.

Rule Four – Forgive and Learn. We learn from our mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. My husband and I have made a decision together, and it was a mistake. The reminding of mistakes does not help a relationship grow. I call it dragging around the garbage. If you have discussed the problem, learned from it and come up with a plan or solution, and forgave, then leave it in the dump.

I learned from the skunk story, I should discuss large actions with my husband before I start them.

I am sure there are other principles and rules a person could say leads to a happy and healthy relationship with someone. But these are the main ones for us.

After 12 years of marriage, this summer we had our first fight. Not much. I got angry, he got angry, we both yelled at the other. We did not let it stay and simmer long. We both calmed down, important to calm down before continuing. Then we discussed why I got angry, then why he was angry. We learned what each one did wrong and right, we forgave and moved forward.

I am married to my best friend, my biggest supporter, my rock as he keeps me from doing too many projects at once, and the love of my life.

amtolle