I was going through Facebook, and a post asked couples three questions to reflect on concerning the past year.
First question was easy “How has your relationship grown closer this past year?”.
We talk more about our feelings and concerns of situations happening in our lives. Our conversations are a little more in depth this year. But as a couple we have been growing in this area during our sixteen years of marriage. We strive to communicate to each other our feelings, thoughts, concerns and dreams.
The second question I wanted to avoid. “Reflect on two bright memories of the past year.” Well, my past year has been very dark, sad and depressing. Too much loss, too much change. Starting in April with the situation of our son-in-law’s suicide, to having to say good-bye to relatives, and the loss of some beloved animals. This past year has been filled with loss and grief. We traveled through so many big emotions this past year.
Yet, there is one bright memory in this past dark year, WE FACED the events TOGETHER. We had someone to talk with concerning our grief, our anger, our fears, and the mass of other emotions we experienced and processed. We had someone to give us a hug or hold us when we cried. A person to listen to our emotions that boiled like an angry cauldron. We were there for each other.
The third question I do not remember.
I have seen grief and the challenges it brings cause a separation, division in couples and families, and even lead to divorce. This year has been very challenging, very emotional. We, as a couple, ARE CLOSER TOGETHER, BONDED STRONGER.
I hope each person has a blessed, joyous day with their loved ones this Valentine’s Day 2025.
This past year has been difficult for me and my family. I have faced many changes and challenges. Reflecting on the past year, I realized I neglected one very important person – myself.
There are things I have to do each day to keep our homestead running such as feeding the sheep. I have to work a job in order to have enough income to keep my home. I will also help my family, as grandchildren are golden.
But during the year, I have neglected taking care of myself. I pushed myself too hard at my jobs, trying to fix things and make things better for everyone else, I would take on the most unwanted jobs. Ignoring, or actually taking over the counter pain medications every four hours to dull the pain in my back as I worked eight hours. If the closing procedures were not completed by a certain hour, I would stay by myself until all things were done. My coworkers having to go due to their ride being there or just because they were not going to work the extra thirty minutes to an hour to get everything completed. My back would be stiff and hurting so bad I could barely get in my vehicle to drive home after work. Getting older brings with it the pain of over working. I can not work the same as a thirty year old person, my body is not young anymore.
The other area I did not care for myself, was helping my children and grandchildren. I did not take time to recharge and process my own emotions. Instead, once again I was there to assist and help with whatever needed to be done.
The most difficult time was when my daughter-in-law and four grandchildren came to stay with us to live without notice. It is easy to prepare rooms and make a space for people when you have days or even a week. I had hours, plus I was working a job. I made the room, by putting everything chaotic into other rooms. Dealing with a person who has mental illness takes time and energy. With the workload I was carrying at the time, it was really too much. And during this time, I cared for the children. I made lunch and dinner before leaving for work, then came home late at night to be faced with dirty dishes. I took care of everyone else, except for one of the most important people – myself.
This year, I have made a priority to care for myself. If I am not well, then I can not help others. I do have my home back. My daughter-in-law has her own home. She is regularly attending therapy. When she goes to therapy, I watch the children. Now, time to find a way to make an income once more. But I am going to be more selective in the job position I take on. I need to take care of myself.
It is good to help others. At times an event in a family requires “all hands on deck” to handle the situation. We all need an income. The caring for oneself is necessary in order to be the needed helper, to assist the family, and to perform a job. Do not feel guilty taking time to care for oneself. Enjoy the moment, cherish yourself for a short time.
While working in one of the grocery stores this past year, I was stopped by a custom wanting to locate an item she could not find. I had only been in this grocery store for a couple of weeks, and it was much larger than the one I came from. When asked if I could help her I responded, “Sure, I have recently transferred to this store and I am not sure I know exactly where it is. Let’s go on an adventure and find it together.” She chuckled and said, “Sure.” I knew the category the item was in, so I knew which aisle to look on. Soon we found her item. As the customer was thanking me for my assistance and fun, the store manager walked up. The manager asked if everything was ok, and the customer responded with a smile, “Yes, we just finished an adventure.” Manager gave us a funny look. The customer went on the tell how I had assisted in finding the item she was looking for and the fun we had in locating the item. The manager was not sure of the response, but was glad the customer was happy.
There was nothing extra ordinary about this journey of looking for a can of food on the shelf, other than the perspective. A simple word changed looking for a common item to an adventure that was fun.
When we are younger we dream of different adventures. Going on a search for lost treasure. Visiting the seven wonders of the world or another country. A trip to space or climbing a tall mountain. Parachuting or bungie jumping. The list can be endless. But when we start living our lives, we are hampered by time at work, family responsibilities, and sometimes just living life. Those old adventures become a bucket list.
One of my favorite places to visit for an adventure is the local nurseries. I love plants and flowers. I do not go there to purchase, but see what wonderous blooms are now available for our climate. Spring is always the best time to see and learn of new plants at the nursery.
Visiting other places and countries was a dream I had when younger, but my finances do not allow for trips of that nature. But there is a way I can still see those places, most obvious is through the internet. My favorite way of visiting those places is via the local libraries. With so many resources available through electronic devices, even our phones, libraries are not thought of much. But they hold a world of information in books. Big picture books of places to see and things to learn. Perhaps a new author to read the works of, or learning how to do a new hobby. Resources can be found in a library. In our area, libraries are the places to go to learn the history of the area. Not just the history of events, but of the families who settled the area. Where they came from, what they did and the accomplishments of them and their offspring can be searched through the library genealogy sections.
Adventures start with us stepping out of our comfortable routines and exploring something new. There are times, my husband and I just drive a different longer path back home from the store, just to see new things, mostly new homes, but all the same a different view.
Take a moment to ponder the possibilities of a new adventure in 2025. What would you like to learn? Do you know of all the parks close to your home? What local shop or museum have you not seen? Is there a new food truck you have not tasted the cuisine of? Have you taken a moment to see the stars or watch the birds.
A new year has arrived, what adventure could be waiting for you to discover?
For decades at the end of a year, I was planning for the next. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to complete? Is it time to change out sheep rams, or sell some older ewes? Start a blog? Start a you tube channel? What ways can I create an income from the farm?
Well, this year sitting down to plan out the 2025 year has been difficult. The plans and goals I had set for 2024 did not come about, or even close. Events happened that were totally out of my control, yet strongly affected my year.
What about 2025? Should I try to start a new year with a new plan? Yes !! Life moves forward, we can not stay in one place or in the past. As time marches forward, so to, we are required to march forward as well. Even when we made a decision to stay in one place, truth is we are marching forward with time, although reluctantly.
What are some of my plans for the year 2025?
I am going to keep writing the blog. I stopped for several months due to changes and emotional turmoil. Writing helps me to process those emotional turmoil times. I did not share what was written, as knowledge of some events have to be kept close to breast for the sake of others feelings and hearts. I will continue to write.
Have I given up on my novel? No, once again writing has been slow. Slow and steady the tortoise won the race. I am slowly and steadily getting into the schedule of writing on my novel once more. Hope and plans are to have it published by the end of 2025.
The sheep are still living, breathing and eating. Only in 2024 we did not have very many lambs born. We have changed our feed and hoping for lambs in April/May of 2025. I sold one older ram, as I do not think he was being very productive. I will need to sell the other older ram, but I am wanting to get as much of his bloodlines into my ewe flock. Hoping I have all ewe lambs sired by him. Since I am not working an outside the farm job currently, I will be able to have a closer watch on how the sheep are doing.
I am still creating resin art. Trying some new things. Look to the area for some new pictures of “experiment projects” that are in the planning stages. I am hoping to open an online shop. Searching through the different avenues for the best fit for my creations. Will keep you posted.
Last year, I had wanted to start a you tube channel. Well, I sort of accomplished the goal – I posted one video, of which I am not very happy with. Working on some new videos to post soon.
Most important for 2025 is to take care of myself. Appreciate what is around me a lot more. Take some time to enjoy the animals I still own. Mostly, spend time with family more. My daughter who lost her husband, needs us more now than ever. Negotiating a life as a single mother I understand the challenges of this part of her journey, being one myself for several years. Building stronger bonds with my other children and all my grandchildren.
Taking time to watch the sunrise and set each day. Smell the roses. Plant some fruit trees and a garden. Watch the lambs play. Take a horseback ride on the horse we still have. Yes, to stop focusing on a job, and focus on enjoying the life I am living.
Today, while cleaning out cabinets, I found Bonnie Jo’s rope. Sadness hit me straight away. We played with that rope since she was a puppy. She was easy on her toy. In her later years, she did not want to play very often, but I kept the rope in the cabinet with the dog brushes.
With grief and depression, you can feel you are at the bottom of a range of huge mountains, and the only way out is to climb a mountain. Speaking from experience, mountains are hard to climb, both geological mountains and grief and depression. The first thing a person needs is tools to assist in the climbing of the mountain. Geological mountains may require a good set of climbing boots, a climbing stick, and the more challenging mountains, hooks, ropes and other climbing equipment. Mountains of grief are no different. The first thing a person needs to start climbing the mountain, is to realize they are experiencing grief and/or depression. You can not climb a mountain, until you see and know the mountain is there.
When I lived in Colorado, I spent a lot of time in the area mountains, riding horseback and hiking up and down the terrain, enjoying the beauty around me. I would see a mountain, and wonder what the view from the other side looked like or I knew what was on the other side and wanted to get there. I saw the mountain, then I made a decision to climb the mountain. To move through grief and/or depression, a decision has to be made in order to take that first step.
Any mountain or place you wish to see, the journey begins with the first step. Sometimes that first step is hard to take, as you look up the mountain the journey seems long and doughty, there are so many steps that have to be taken to get to the top. Once the first step is taken, the climb is one step at a time. You can not rush climbing the mountain, as it is always one step at a time, even when climbing Mount Everest.
Sometimes along our journey, we need some assistance, we can get lost in the trees along our path to the top. Or, the terrain is steep and difficult to negotiate with the aide of another person. At these time, we need a guide. I have had guides, people who are familiar with the terrain and trails I needed to travel to reach my destination, and on a few occasions I was the guide. There is no shame in having a guide assist you in the journey to the top. Climbing Mount Everest requires a very experienced guide, to show the trail, but to also assist with the actual climbing of the mountain.
The past few months, I and other family members have had a guide to assist us with negotiating the journey through the trauma and grief of this past year. There is no shame in having a person to listen to your feelings, someone who will not judge you for being angry, sad, or even happy when most would say you should be sad. To climb a mountain begins with the decision to see a better view, and the first step.
Do not wait to take the step, to stay and let feelings of anger and depression build to the point you want to destroy yourself, and all those around you. My son-in-law did not want to accept change. Being in the house, we noticed he had loaded a gun, and unloaded it many times, bullets were scarred by being put into and taken out of the magazine. When the mountain became so large from choices he had made, he took a final step and destroyed himself. Sure, he does not have to deal with the trauma and emotions, or the legal ramifications of his decision, those living have to deal. My daughter had spoke to and encouraged him to get help, but those who are depressed also have to want to be helped. Why did he not get help, we do not know.
In settling the estate and legal matters concerning his death, which were a separate mountain on its own. My daughter says she moved that mountain a grain of sand at a time. She handled and dealt with each task, one at a time, with prayer. Today, the majority of the legal mountain is behind her, only a grain or two of sand left to deal with.
And together we are helping and encouraging each other to continue to climb the emotional mountains in our lives due to the tragedy. With help from professionals, support from each other, and our Creator, we will one day reach the top and see the view beyond April 26, 2024.
At the close of each year, I reflect on the past year and look forward to the coming year. How would I sum up the year 2024? Simply as Death. 2024 has been the year of Death and Change. I have never wanted a year to end so quickly, since September I have been wanting the year to be different, to put this year behind us and move to a better time.
Death – a hard, dark word, evokes many negative feelings. Negative feelings of anger, bewilderment, sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, loss and even hate are part of the definition of death in my dictionary today.
The beginning of 2024 looked promising, a year of positive change. I was working as a meat cutter in training, with hopes of finally being a full fledged meat cutter. We were working on the barn, to create a room in order to sell all natural lamb meat farm to table. The sheep were doing well. Things appeared to be good. Then a date arrived that would be branded into our lives and our being like a hot brand placed on a calf’s hip to mark the hide for life – April 26.
The day started as each working day, me getting ready to go to work in the meat market, my husband doing chores with a trip planned to see our daughter to assist with some legal matters concerning her decision to divorce her husband. We were going to assist in paying her attorney. On the way to work, I receive a vision.
The visions I receive are not pleasant. I am on an ocean beach, my granddaughter beside me. A sunny day, I feel the warm sun, the sand between my toes as we walk into the warm, yet cool water. My daughter loves the ocean. In the vision, my granddaughter and I were placing her in the ocean and saying goodbye.
Well, this mother starts praying. I do not know about other mothers, but I was busy praying for protection, for legions and legions of angels to surround my daughter and grandchildren. I even went so far as to demand Michael the Archangel to be by my daughter’s side. Even today I am not sure if demanding something of God is wise, but I would still demand Michael the Archangel to protect and keep my daughter and her family safe on that day. I prayed as I continued to work, and a few hours while working. Then there comes the time in pray when you have to let go, I made my petition, it was time to trust my faith and put her and my grandchildren into God’s hands.
I worked my shift, plus an additional hour, then went home. My arrival was not met with happy news. Upon arriving home, my husband was hustling to finish feeding animals. His words were confusing, my daughter had called, there was a gun, police and a gunshot involved. I quickly changed out of my wet, dirty work clothes, and I started driving toward my daughter’s home. On the road, I phoned my other daughter to pray giving her the confusing words and letting her know I was driving. A trip that takes me two hours to drive, was accomplished in an hour. She called during the trip to say she and the kids were safe, an ambulance was there so she had to go. As we drove we learned she and children were at another person’s home, but trying to find a place to stay the night. Then the address to a stranger’s house on where we were invited to stay the night, and possibly the next day. As we arrived in town, following GPS to where she would be staying, we arrived minutes after she did. At one point we were following here, only I missed a turn.
The first thing I wanted to do was hold my daughter close, but first I was made to promise “No vengeance”. See my children know me, anyone hurt my children and I am on the fight. I promised “No vengeance”, and went to hug her. She asked me not too tight as she hurt. She did not want to be touched her whole body hurt. We held and settled children into bed. Uncomfortable staying in a stranger’s home, with so many emotions and questions going on inside. But one piece of information was missing – where was her husband.
They needed someone to stay at her house as the cleaners came in to clean up the “mess”, so people could safely go into the home again. My husband said he would go. He was informed that some items might not be cleaned and saved, mostly pictures on the refrigerator. My husband said to just do the best that they can.
After a few hours, when the children were asleep, except one, my daughter holding and praying for peace and comfort, I managed to ask the question – where is ****? She looked at me, with tears and a strained voice “funeral home. I did not want this, I just wanted peace. Not this.”
The plan for the next day was not to slip where he was, but to say he was in the hospital. My daughter would tell her oldest after the final soccer game, with her pastor and his wife there. There were a few things needed before the soccer game, my husband and I returned to the home to retrieve items needed for the soccer game. Opening the door, a huge curtain sealed off the area. Then we returned to our temporary housing, to watch the three little boys, while others went to the soccer game. My other daughter and her husband arrived just before they left for the soccer game.
The people who opened there home to a distraught family, the wife was a real estate agent. That morning my husband and I were discussing with her to find a rental for my daughter to stay in, as we knew she and the children would not be able to live in their home. We had the finances to pay the deposits, and two months rent. But God already had a plan, a much better plan.
One of the people cleaning the site, noticed while taking down the pictures to clean on the refrigerator, in the soccer team picture the coach was his sister. He called his sister that night, saying something terrible has happened concerning one of her athletes. After the soccer game, the coach wanted a private conversation with my daughter. My daughter was keeping everything quiet, giving no information to anyone on what had happened that night. The coach said she knew what happened, and she had a house she was flipping, not ready for the market, but ready to be occupied that was big enough for her family. She could stay there as long as needed, no rent.
After the soccer game, visit with the Pastor and lunch to inform the six year old about her dad, we went to see the house. My husband and I went to her home to get some items for sleeping, clothes, and children items needed to start staying in another house. This time when we went to her home the curtain was removed, we walked through the door to see a hole where the ceiling and wall were removed, items placed, jumbled and random on the table.
Emotions, there were so many. Anger for what he had done to my daughter, leaving his children that way. Sadness for the loss of a family member. Relief that there was not going to be a long ugly divorce, and no peace for my daughter upon obtaining the divorce. Thoughts of grandchildren without a father, my daughter being a single mother, and the hardships I was well aquatinted with.
We gathered the items, and headed to another new address. The home was very large, luxurious, in the country yet close to town. Quiet and Peaceful. Located on 15 acres, with trees. A good place to start healing from the trauma and all that would follow.
Sunday, tomorrow, we would all go to church together. The church was bring food for lunch. After lunch a group of college students would meet us at the house to start moving what my daughter wanted to their new place of living. So, my husband returned home that evening to feed animals, and get our stock trailer to load and move house items in after church.
Sunday, there were plenty of help. The college students knew a tragedy had occurred in the home. There were plenty of boxes and packaging tape and two more trailers to move my daughter to a new location. I divided people into teams, a team per room. In four hours we had moved my daughter and the items she wanted to take to another home. Upon arriving at the new location, the same teams unpacked and set the rooms they had packaged up. Before dinner arrived, from the church, she was set up to start in a new home.
This tragic event created a complex emotional issues for me. Dealing with the threat to my daughter, and the fact that he wanted to kill her, and the loss of a family member of 11 years was difficult. On top of working for under an abusive supervisor, my phycological issues arose, I had a major panic attack at work one day. In June, the owner of the grocery store chain and his main office people were coming to the store. My supervisor showed up late, was in a bad mood when he arrived. Was having me do jobs that should have been done days before, while I was off. Then when I was to start helping cut meat portions for the counter that was empty, I asked what to cut. He stated whatever, so I started cutting a piece of meat into portions. Over half way through cutting the piece of meat, he slams his fists down, and asks my why I was cutting another piece of the same meat he had already cut. He had been criticizing me and telling me I was too slow all morning, and now I was cutting the wrong meat. I said I needed a break was going to take one. He followed me and said we needed to talk tot he manager, I said we are going to talk to the area supervisor when he gets there.
People have panic attacks in different ways. For me the world starts closing in, the walls start moving towards me, fear arises and my response is to run, and I do run. He continued to follow me out of the store stopping when I went outside the doors. When I got outside I sent a text to the district supervisor that the person was being a “jackass”. The walls had started moving in on me, breathe, just breathe I kept telling myself. No, too late, it was open, no walls outside, I took off as fast as my feet would hit the ground. Where was I going, I was going home, not my house, but the home in my heart. I was headed to Colorado. About two miles from the grocery store, I texted my husband and asked he wanted to go with me to Colorado. He knew I was in the middle of a panic attack, asked where I was. Three miles from the store he picked me up and took me home. I quit the job. Got into therapy.
About two months later, I have to get a job to meet the financial demands of our household. I start working for Wal-Mart. Only after a two and half months, once again, I quit. I can not handle the pressure to work with other, the physical demand on my 61 year old body. Taking over the counter pain pills every four hours to keep working with less pain is not good.
In September, I had to make the choice to put my beloved Bonnie Jo down. She did not know where she was or who I was, in extreme anxiety. She had been my emotional support pet for 15 years. I dug a hole in the front yard, where I could see her each morning as I start my day.
Two weeks later, I had to put my beloved show mare and kids horse, My Sweet Victoria down. She had injured and dislocated her shoulder, no way for it to heal. Could no longer walk. I dug another hole.
Three weeks later, I was digging another hole. My appaloosa stallion, Stolen Night, had cancer and I made the decision to put him down. Only in this hole I buried the dream of ever showing a horse again, or having anymore foals, into this grave as well. Burying what I had done most of my life, raise, train and show horses into a grave. I am too old to being doing that lifestyle anymore.
October also brought my daughter-in-law and four grandchildren living with us in a now cramped home due to the increase in occupants. She was moving closer to us, so she would have family support network and get counseling for her mental illness. In December, just before Christmas, she and my son found a rental for them to live in near us.
During the year, I also had two uncles pass away, a several friends. I no longer get the paper hand out a funerals, I do not want to look at or keep a reminder of a funeral.
We are still negotiating the tragedy of April 26. The real estate agent we stayed with that first night, became my daughter’s real estate agent in purchasing a new home, and selling her old home. All within October. So in October we were moving her to a new home again, this time a permanent home. My husband and I along with some people from the church once more moved her to her new abode. We go down once a week to help put things together and care for the children. Most important to just be with her, as she needs family with her. She and her daughter are in counseling weekly. We are careful in our conversations and answering questions with our granddaughter as she is still processing what happened April 26. She saw and heard more than a six year old should have been exposed to. We learn each week a little more of what happened that night.
Where am I at the end of this year. In counseling, getting back on my feet. Struggling with finances, trying to figure out how to get income into the household. Feeling older. For the first time, I feel old. Before I knew I had years but did not feel I had years. Now I feel the 61 winters I have seen.
I go through life thinking there is a silver lining behind every storm cloud, yet the reality is there is very seldom a silver lining. Yet, I press forward thinking one day I will reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Why do I have such thoughts or hopes or dreams. I have struggled through life, trying to get ahead, only to be knocked back down the hill.
Recently, I thought I had found a hill I could finally climb, to discover I will not be able to climb that hill. Age is the preventative in climbing the hill. Those who are above me think I am perfect at staying where I am, as I am perfect there and an awesome assistance to those above me. Yesterday the disillusionment was dissolved to revel the true reality of my job position.
I became a meat wrapper, as I had some previous experience as a meat wrapper over a year ago. Then I was being trained to be a meat cutter. Good, I like cutting meat and working in the meat department. But in the store I was working, there was not much time to train me as the store did not have the sales to warrant a meat cutter trainee. So, I transferred to another store farther from home, but with the promise I continue and finish the training to be a meat cutter. Only, I never touched a knife in three months.
Then the company needed help in a store closer to my home. I was sent to help as temporary help until the positions could be filled. After three weeks of working at one location, then the other during a work week, I asked for a transfer to be closer to home – not so much fuel expense. And the new manager promised I would be using a knife.
So I transferred to the location closer to home. I was cutting with a knife, along with still doing the duties of a meat wrapper. Only, I also have to keep a young, first time manager on task, and in the meat cutting room. Their mind wanders, is not focused with a plan on what needs to be done to get the daily tasks completed before the hours of working are gone. The meat wrapper trainee is slow, and calls in once to twice a week saying they are unable to come to work. The lack of productivity is blamed on the trainee and my lack of speed in performing our tasks each day. I arrive home tired, most days too tired to eat. I get nothing done at home, only to wake up and go to work the next day.
When I started at this new location near home, I received a pay raise, from $10 per hour to $12 per hour. I thought it was for the promotion to meat cutter, only to learn the meat wrapper trainee was being paid $11.50 per hour. I pressed for meat cutter wages of $15 per hour and benefits, as I have no health insurance, and told I would receive such as stated if I was going to be staying. Then I learned I would not be receiving a raise or benefits until “they” knew I was going to stay. Ok, so no pay raise, no benefits- I will play the waiting game and hopefully received such in the near future. I would wait, work hard and prove I am worthy of being a meat cutter.
Yesterday, information was reveled by the district supervisor when he arrived early to welcome a new employee starting in the meat department. It was the meat manager’s day off, their only day off. I opened and was told by the meat manager to start the new person as a meat wrapper. The new employee was hired at the same wage I am being paid. The district supervisor had a different idea. I was to start them at the cutting block with me, as a meat cutter trainee. ” So meat cutter training a meat cutter trainee” I stated, if I only had a camera for the district supervisor’s expression. A picture is worth a thousand words, and his expression stated I was not a meat cutter and would not ever be a meat cutter. This person was being trained for the position I was told I would have.
I did my task, had the new employee work side by side with me. Trained them on how to put hamburger on a tray, and they were doing quite well. Then we started at the cutting block. Since this new person had zero experience in the meat department or around cutting meat, I showed and explained the muscle structures of the portion of meat I was cutting and the retail pieces of meat I had created. I had three requests for special cuts from customers, of which they observed how the process was performed. They watched while I informed a customer they could not break a combination package to get a desired package of meat, and became very angry, then how I deescalated the situation and resolved the problem with customer happy and apologizing for their behavior. They were totally amazed on the outcome of the situation. Then time for lunch.
After an hour, we returned to the store to work, and the new employee wanted to talk with the manager. We were informed that a job position they had interviewed for on the same day they interviewed for this position, offered them more money, $20 per hour. They were going to take the higher paying offer.
After the good-byes and returning of shirts, the manager asked me to inform the meat department supervisor, as she had told the meat department manager. I said, “No way, that is above my pay grade and position. The information needs to come from the manager, not me.” She did not want to give the district supervisor bad news as he wanted this person to be a meat cutter.
I finished my day, went home tired as usually. A few hours later, I looked at my phone, I had a text message from the district supervisor say the person quit. I texted back it was for more money, but the person thought the training they received from me was interesting, and they learned a lot in just four hours. Then a text was sent about this new person not having ethics. Ethics? Just because they needed more income, and told went for the higher pay, no ethics. I did not respond, as to judge this person’s ethics when I have been lied to numerous times and strung along. No response would be sufficient to state my feelings.
I will bid my time, work my job, but not as hard as I have. When I knew by actions and words that my raise and position would not be given, I started thinking about other ways of supplementing my income. I am working on a couple of things to produce income. I do know God has me in this job for a reason. Perhaps it has something to do with the person who comes into clean the meat room, who does not have a high IQ, but does a job well when slowly instructed. Perhaps it is for the meat wrapper, who I know is depressed and struggling with some illness as they call in sick and are uncomfortable at work. Or perhaps it is for someone else I have do not know or have not met. I will stay until I am told I can leave. But it is hard to work when truth is not present.
Life has taught me one thing that keeps being proved true: Horses never lie, but man always will.
Many projects have been happening on the farm and in life. The farm projects are long over due in getting done. These projects have been on “the list” for a year or two. Their length of time on “the list” has various reasons from sheer mechanics of doing the project to outright procrastination.
Our farm is not located on one level piece of land. Our pasture is level, but the house, barn, pens and shelters are built upon a hillside. Not a steep hillside, but a hillside that the water during rain storms flows rapidly down, the rushing water causing erosion. One farm project was to slow the progression of erosion. There will always be erosion when water runs downhill. Slowing the progress helps to save the soil and keep me from falling into ditches and washed out areas caused by the erosion.
One solution to slowing the flow of water is terraces, flat step like landscaping of soil held in place by rocks, logs, or other types of building material. Terraces are not designed or built to hold the water in place such as a dam. Terraces are flat, allowing the water to slow down in momentum due to the lack of gravity pushing and pulling it down the hillside. When water reaches a terrace, the water looses momentum, spreads out not forming a trench and soaks into the ground. The water will still flow over the terrace and onto another terrace or towards its destination determined by the highs and lows of the soil and the force of gravity.
This project took several weeks to complete due to obligations of having to work a job away from the farm. For fill I used manure from the horse stalls then covered with soil that had already moved farther down towards our pasture by years of water travel. The soil was trapped from traveling farther away from the original source by a fence. Moving the soil up to the terraces allowed the level of the ground to be lowered to a height that the current fence was the proper height to contain the animals.
Creating the terraces and moving the soil solved two issues on the farm. First, the water will be slowed down and not erode as quickly. Second, I did not have to redo a fence that was becoming “too short” to keep the horses contained. After building the terraces, I planted some grass and winter wheat to help keep the soil in place once the grass and winter wheat sprouted. This area will also provide grazing for the sheep on what was once bare ground due to the constant erosion.
Small changes can have big effects. A small change in elevation will have a big effect on how fast the water travels and erosion. Small changes in our own lives can produce big effects. Our habits in eating and activity, although seemingly small can have large effects on our health. Even the small amount of time to breathe, reflect and pray before responding to an angry word, can change the course of a conversation. Small things matter.
There are many creative activities I enjoy doing. The past year I have been learning how to create using epoxy resin. My interest started with You Tube videos. Watching others create jewelry, then proceeding to miniature sculptures frozen in time, to creating trays, bowls, tables and chess boards.
My first experience using epoxy resin was remaking a bathroom counter top. The old laminate counter top was dull from years of use. I had watched some videos on redoing counter tops using epoxy resin. The process of sanding the old laminate counter top, painting to create the illusion of granite, then applying epoxy resin as a sealer did not seem too hard of a project. The project turned out really nice. The epoxy resin gives the granite paint job a realistic look with depth.
The first project went well, so on to the next. For the second project I choose to do epoxy resin on the end tables in our living room. Children can be hard on furniture, especially tables. Since the rustic wood end tables were never sealed, even moisture from a glass in the summer or slight spill would leave a permanent mark. This summer, when my grandson was visiting we decided to start the project. My grandson enjoys doing different projects with me. A great time to bond, experiment and learn together. We sanded the tables to remove all marks, then covered with epoxy resin. In applying the first coat, we did not mix enough epoxy resin for both tables. A second coat was needed. We made more epoxy resin, measuring enough that would for sure cover both tables. Did the pour then wait for the results. Beautiful results. We decided to try something different.
Since we both love playing chess and my chess board and pieces are on the small side, we thought it would be great to create a chess game with epoxy resin. I ordered the molds and we worked on creating a chess game for him. We had fun learning how to mix the colors and the tedious pouring of one square at a time. The uniqueness of creating a one of a kind chess game thrilled us as we worked together. Upon completion we observed that the colors were not as strong as we desired, but still an eye catching chess game. He took the chess game home at the end of our visit. A reminder of the activities of that year’s summer visit.
Grandson’s Chess Game
I was enjoying the making of chess games. For Christmas gifts, I decided I would make chess games for my sons. Chess has been a game we have enjoyed playing since they were young boys and as adults. I felt the chess game would bring the past and the present together.
Youngest Son’s Christmas GiftOldest Son’s Gift
Currently I am learning how to create what is called blooms with epoxy resin in trays and coasters. I am also thinking about creating some bowls.
As with all activities involving a chemical reaction safety precautions need to be observed and used. I create in a well ventilated area using gloves. Before taking on any new adventure using materials you are not familiar with look at the safety procedures in using a product.
Today I am home. A day off from working, but still working. My mind and hands are always busy, just a habit I think. Perhaps a habit created by having to work providing an income to put food on the table, clothes on the back and a roof over the head.
Today’s task was planning our garden. The garden is more dual purpose this year than previous years. I have always planted and worked the ground with the end result to be better soil for plants to grow. This year the garden will be larger as the main purpose of this year’s garden is to improve a patch of ground to become better pasture for the sheep.
How can a garden make better pasture? Most people who plant a garden try to keep weeds and grass away from the plants providing the vegetables and fruits for the table and life. A garden can bring new life or renewed life to a piece of ground by what is chosen to be planted and grown.
First the soil type needs to be determined before planting any plant. Some plants like the snugness of clay soils, while other prefer the freedom of sandy soil. The location we are choosing to plant in this year has mostly clay soil. The clay silt particles hold tight together not allowing the moisture to enter and water the thirsty plants that dare to attempt to thrive there. Some of the plants we are planting will force the clay silt particles to loosen their grip and allow the entry of moisture. Plants that perform this duty are radishes, beets, turnips, carrots and other root plants whose roots we consume with our meals.
Some plants love basking in the sun all day. Others are early risers preferring the morning sun over the afternoon. Then there are those plants like to awaken slowly to enjoy the midday and afternoon sunshine. While others prefer to stay in the shadows, the coolness and only get a glimpse of the sun. Corn thrives is the all day sunshine, reaching to join the one who brings it so much joy and growth. Beans and tomatoes prefer to do their sunbathing in the morning sun, letting the shadows keep them cool during the midday heat. Peas like the shadows where there is coolness and moisture.
Plants are various in the soil they like their roots in, the amount and type of sunshine the thrive in. Plants also vary in how heavy of a drinker they are. Some love to drink lots and others want their drink, then time to dry out before they binge on water once more. Placing plants together with soil type and amount of drinking they enjoy is easier on the gardener in the daily task of meeting the individual needs of each plant. Planting a few rows of corn who love the sunshine and the water, then planting a row or two of beans on the east side of the corn. Allows the beans and corn to drink together, then the corn can shield the beans from the midday and afternoon sun.
Plants can be choosing on what plant is its’ neighbor. Carrots like the company of tomatoes. The three sisters always prefer to be planted together, corn, beans and squash. Discovering who like who for a neighbor helps a garden to grow and thrive.
Let us not leave out those plants we love to see in our gardens. The ones with funny stories like the “red cabbage” that was really red brussels sprouts. Or the marigolds who protect the tomatoes from the tomato worm. The lovely bright plants are needed as well as those that provide the food for our table.
Today was planning and ordering seeds. Once the seeds arrive it will be time to plant.
Me, Myself and I 