Back to the Beginning

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It is bitterly cold as the north winds blows down through the valley, the woman tightens a coat that no longer fits due to the growing baby inside her. Home, or more the place she is staying is not far away. There are many doubts and fears are running through her mind as fast as the wind blows in her face. One major question keep haunting her through the howl of the winter winds “am I making the right choice?”

If I could travel back in time, there is only one place I want to go and that is to my beginning, to just before I was born. I am adopted. I was put up for adoption at my birth or very shortly there after. I lived in a place for a few until I was thirteen months before placed with a man and woman whom I call daddy and mom.

I was born in the winter, in a hospital at the foot of mountain located in a valley that runs north and south. In the town of my birth there was a home for unwed mothers and adoption agency. The puzzle to my story is my biological parents were married. They had been married for two years before I was born. My biological father was a US Marine during the Vietnam conflict.

So, I would like to speak to my biological mother and ask one question, well more than one, most important “Why was I put up for adoption?”

Was I put up for adoption because she received a telegram saying my father, her husband was missing in action.

These are questions I will not have answers to as when I did get my birth and adoption records, both my biological parents were deceased. My adopted parents would never tell me, even when I knew I had to be adopted and asked mom point blank. The sad thing is everyone in the family including my cousins knew I was adopted, all except me. At the age of forty-eight, while talking with one of my favorite cousins, she told me I was adopted, the first time any family member had told me the truth.

I knew when I was twenty-two I was definitely adopted. I obtained my records at age forty-seven. I did some research and learned where my parents were born, where they married and their divorce was two and half years after my birth. I have half-siblings from both biological parents, but do they know I exist. Was my birth, existence kept from them as a big secret as being adopted was a big secret kept from me?

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We have choices we make everyday. Some of those choices are easy, some are hard, and some life changing no matter what choice we make. I am not angry at my biological mother for putting me up for adoption. I can not walk in her shoes to know the reasons behind her choice.

I am very happy to be alive, to have my life.

I have moved forward, I have children, grand children and a good life.

amtolle

9 thoughts on “Back to the Beginning”

  1. That’s quite an origin story you have there. So, I’m not quite sure I follow. You had figured out that you were adopted on your own when you were 22 but your family confirmed it when you were 48? Why then? I don’t mean to pry, I’m just curious.

    I assume by your good nature (on display here) that your real parents raised you well. ❤️

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    1. I have a younger sister, we are 19 1/2 weeks apart. When I was pregnant, the doctor noted that at the time of my and my sister’s birth, it was impossible for a baby that premature to survive, plus a woman can not get pregnant right after birth. His statement one of us was adopted. Plus, I had misplaced my birth certificate at during this time, and the state where I was born said I did not exist, the hospital of my birth said my mother was never admitted there. That was the clincher, I had to be the one adopted.
      I was finally able to get my adoption records when I was 46 years, laws or policy changed and they would send a copy if I requested them. Which I did. I was talking to my cousin about some family stuff, when she said you know your adopted, right?. The tears started rolling down my checks as finally someone had told me truth.
      When a child is adopted, people assume they are going to have a wonderful life. Truth is when a child is adopted, they become part of a family with all the secrets and disfunctions every family has.
      I was treated very well by my daddy or papa. My mother had a double standard, I was not treated well, not bad, but did not get the same privileges as the others. I was taken care of by my mother, but not nurtured. I learned these things were not a figments of imagination of a young girl. When family members learned I knew I was adopted, they were willing to answer some questions, being released from the tight bonds of the secret. My mother did not want to adopt me, as she had my adopted sister who was an infant, and I was a toddler, 13 months of age at adoption. My mother treated me with the emotions of someone who did not want me.
      We are raised by imperfect people. I am not angry at the way I was treated by my mother. I believe shortly before her death, she had finally really loved me.
      I am not afraid to answer questions.
      I have a good nature. Thank you for noticing.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That is a really interesting (back) story. Almost like something you’d see play out with the Ewings on Dallas (all those years ago). 😁

        And I agree, there are no perfect families. There are plenty of imperfect ways of dealing with bad parenting, and if bad parenting was part of your upbringing, you seem to have overcome it. ❤️

        I have a friend here in Japan who has two boys. The first one, he was a nightmare baby. She’s from Singapore, so she had to do all the parenting without the help and parenting support her family could have provided. This first child cried and cried and cried and could not be soothed from infancy till about three or four and, though a very nice boy, still at 16 can get weepy eyed.

        Mom confided in me she doesn’t this child. She has her favorite, the second son. Does the first son know this? I have no idea but she did send him off to a British boarding school when he turned 13 (kinda normal for her family from what I hear) and the other son will for high school, so from 15 or 16.

        So yeah, we get the parents we get and deal with the good and the bad the best we can.

        Did you ever find out why you mother felt the need to adopt you?

        Also, with all the controversy about the abortion issue in the States, does your experience being adopted sway you into either camp?

        As you can see, I don’t mind asking questions. 😁

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      2. The story from family members is that my adoptive parents for unknown reasons were not able to get pregnant. My adoptive mother’s mother was at the delivery of my sister, who also is adopted. Her mother was an unwed young girl. The adoption took place shortly after her birth. I was adopted at 13 months, because my dad wanted me and according to aunts and uncle, my dad fought with my mom until I was adopted.
        I am very much glad that I am alive. I do know families who would love to adopt, but adoption of a child born in the US is risky, as the biological parents can come back and try to take the child legally.
        I have respect for life, all life. I do eat meat, even the lambs born on my place with a ceremony thanking the animal for giving its life. Life flows around us in every living thing. Humans can clone, but it takes living cells to make a clone. Only the Creator gives life.
        I will not judge someone for obtaining an abortion, I actually feel sorrow for them as I know there were hard choices for them to make that decision.
        As far as the two boys, I know from working with youth and my husband’s grown twins, they know their mother feels differently towards them.
        As adults we make choices about ourselves and who we want to be, what we want to do. We can not blame our upbringing for all our choices.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Sorry it took me a few days to read this — super busy on my end.

        Thank you for sharing.

        There was a prolife march in Washington the other day, so the topic of abortion was on my mind when I read your story.

        I did not know parents in the US can, well, “change their minds” after putting their child up for adoption. That would be a nightmare senario.

        BTW, the act of giving thanks recalls Native American traditions in my mind. Is that also part of your background?

        Have a great week!

        Like

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