Author: amtolle

Share Music, Share a Poem

Bloganaury Daily Prompt #25: What is a song or poem that speaks to you and why?

I have felt the prompts to Bloganuary 2023 are to delve in the psychology of our thinking and lives.

Today I will share a song. It is not the song, the words to the song that have meaning. It is the memory attached to the song.

Horses love music. Put on music and their hoofbeats and action will match the music. Music will calm a nervous horse. Music will energize the horse to perform animation and action with speed and grace. Watch the Tennessee Walkers Rack or Saddlebreds and Arabians. They love to move to music.

In 1993, I purchased an Appaloosa stallion by the name of Top Jet H from the estate of my fourth grade teacher. Top Jet H, commonly called Jet performed in horse shows as a three and four year old, then retired to the breeding barn. At the time I purchased him he was fifteen, eleven years of not being ridden or shown. I decided to ride and show him. Jet had a long history of wins in Western Pleasure and English Pleasure. The Pleasure classes exhibit three gaits of the horse, walk, jog – a slow trot, and canter. When Jet was shown, a four beat artificial canter was taught to the horse for these classes. I needed to have Jet show in a natural three beat canter, as the four beat artificial canter was ruled as a disqualification after Jet was retired. The three beat cantor gait of the horse in these classes is a very slow, collected canter, and is a natural gait of the horse.

In order to get in rhythm with Jet at the Western Pleasure cantor and train Jet not to use the four beat cantor he was trained to do, I would play ‘In a Different Light’ by Doug Stone. We cantor a three beat cantor for miles to this song.

After a couple of years showing Jet and trying to get people to breed their mares to him, of which not many did. And my children were wanting to show with me, but had no horse to ride I made a decision. I gelded or castrated Jet so my children could show him. Children can not show stallions. Although my children learned to ride from Jet, they were unable to show him. At the age of seventeen I had the operation performed to castrate this wonder horse so my children could show him. For four years my children rode, showed and enjoyed this great teacher, especially my oldest daughter. Then one day while saddling Jet for a parade, he had a heart attack. He was permanently retired to the pasture. He was no longer safe for my children to ride. Although that did not stop my oldest daughter from going to the pasture, climbing on top of her beloved Jet and sitting, enjoying each others companionship.

The song is attached to the wonderful memories of a great horse – Top Jet H and all that he did for me and my children.

My oldest daughter and Jet

Rest In Peace my old friend, I will see you when the time comes.

amtolle

The Ways to Love

I was not shown much love by my adoptive mother, most often is was criticism or a lie. My adoptive dad would show me love when he had time. I wanted my children to never feel the way I did as a child. I was going to not lie or be critical of my children. Mostly I wanted to be there to listen. Listen to their problems, fears, struggles, as well as their successes, triumphs and dreams.

I encouraged my children in learning whatever activity they desired to learn. I made sure they did their homework and would ask questions about what they were studying to make sure they understood. I taught them to clean, cook, and do laundry, skills they would need one day when they were on their own. They did not like me all the time when I made them clean a room instead of going to visit a friend or watch television.

We did 4-H, and showed all kinds of animals, as well as learned leathercraft, ceramics, and rocketry. With one of my children I even learned about airplanes and the history of flying as he was in the Civil Air Patrol.

I felt like I drove a taxi, taking four children in four different directions. I struggled to make their ball games and theater practices. I was not able to make all their events, but they knew I was rooting for them even though I was not there. After an event I had missed, they answered a thousand questions on how their event went. I wanted to know all about it.

Children grow, as soon it was time to start letting go. The hardest thing I had to teach myself was to let my children be adults. It is not easy to let them go. Although the process is gradual, it happens quickly. I had to let go and let them make decisions on what they wanted to do, what they wanted to wear, and who their friends were going to be. Then comes the day, they moved out of my home.

It is not easy helping your child pack up their clothes and belongings and move into another place to live. Yet, I was in there helping them put their belongings in boxes, as I fought to hold the tears in their place. I did not want them to see the tears fall. They had reached a place where they were able to triumphantly leave home, I did not want to dampen their experience with my tears.

When your children find that special someone in their life, a parent really has to let go of it all. There is no more advice or guidance on how to manage their money or make decisions. They have someone to do that with, and it is not the parent. I loved them by letting go, setting them free from me to be with someone else.

I show love today to my children, who are now parents. I encourage them when they tell me about how difficult it is sometimes to be a tough parent. I ask how the children are doing, and how they are. When my son moved to Indiana, my heart sank, but I did not let him know. I expressed happiness for him and his family. I let him know he had to think of his family and how to provide for them. I loved him by listening and encouraging him. He is a good provider for his family. They are farther from me, visits will be hard to make and I will not be able to see the grandchildren as often. But loving involves letting them be the spouse and parent they need to be.

My children have told me that the one thing they know they have always had was unconditional love. Sometimes I was hard and stern, but I always loved them.

amtolle

The Big Lie

Bloganuary Daily Prompt #23: What’s a Lie you tell yourself?

Honestly, the list of prompts reminds me of seeing the psychiatrist. Threw the years I have believed many lies about myself, some told by others and some I told myself. Childhood was not easy. Having a mother who really did not want to adopt you in the beginning affected the mother-daughter relationship. It was well after I was an adult, that my adopted mom really began having a relationship with me. So there were many lies, but one major lie in my life.

Growing up with a sister 19 weeks younger than yourself was interesting. As anyone that can do the math would know we were not blood sisters, one of us had to be adopted. I learned this truth when I became pregnant the first time. I approached my mother with this thought out time table, her response is my sister and I were not adopted, my sister was born way premature. Ok. Another six years of living the lie.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my doctor, Dr. Cain, informed me it is physically impossible for one woman to give birth to two children nineteen weeks apart and one of you is adopted. Once more I went to my adoptive mother and repeated what my doctor had told me. I knew I was probably adopted due to the way she treated me growing up and as an adult. My adoptive mom insisted this doctor I was seeing was a quack and did not know what he was talking about. I knew I would never get the truth from her by her tone and actions. I did not approach the subject again.

I continued my life living the lie. A mother would not tell a lie to their daughter. Perhaps the doctors were wrong, and my adoptive mother was a special woman who gave birth to two children 19 weeks apart.

Years go by and life changes happen. The time came my adoptive mother died. Birth records and adoption records for the years I was born were being opened for the adopted child or the parents who gave their child up for adoption. I decided with some strong encouragement from my husband to get my birth records. The Bureau of Vital Statistics can not tell anyone if they are adopted or not. They do tell people to fill out the form, pay the fee, and if you are not adopted the money will be refunded. A few weeks later I received my original birth certificate, and a couple of letters from an attorney requesting my new birth certificate with changes made after the adoption. Now, on official government paper I knew I was adopted.

Shortly after getting the original birth certificate, I purchased a red merle Australian Shepherd puppy. The puppy needed a name. I learned without a doubt that I was adopted at the age of 48 years. A long time to believe a lie. I named the puppy my birth name, the one given to me by my birth mother, Bonnie Jo. Every time I called my puppy, I reminded myself to no believe the lie and see the truth. Puppies have puppy lessons to learn, they explore and get into trouble. I said Bonnie Jo a lot during the first year of her life.

About two years later, a cousin finally told me I was adopted. Only she thought I already knew I was adopted from my adopted mother telling me. It was a huge relief to hear a family member finally say “You know you are adopted and so is your sister.” The family was free to finally talk to me about my adoption. I learned my sister was adopted shortly after her birth, and my adopted mother’s mother was the nurse when she was born. I was adopted later, after I was over a year old. They told me how my parents fought over my adoption, as my mom did not want an older child, and my dad was insistent on adopting me.

My adopted sister and I were both born in Colorado. Our adoptions took place in New Mexico. There is stories of how our adoptive parents met the doctor who delivered both of us, at the state line to pay for us and pick us up. New Mexico does not release any information to those who are adopted or those who gave a child up for adoption. There is an exception for medical reasons, with lawyers involved, the lawyers will communicate with the child and birth parents through the court, but no names are given. Everything is anonymous.

Everyday, several times a day, I have a special friend who reminds me of the truth. She is getting older and one day she will be gone, but the truth will remain. I have made peace with the biggest lie in my life. I am adopted.

amtolle

Books and Authors

Bloganuary Daily Prompt #21: Who is your favorite author and why?

Selecting a favorite author after fifty plus years of reading, how can that be fair? I have read many books, more than I can count, each one a story to tell during a stage in my life. Would it be fair to chose one over the others, when they are all great writers whose words I consumed and loved?

Being an introvert books were my way to engage in a world since engaging with others in daily life was difficult and often non existent as a child. My first memory of a book was the one and only book my dad bought and read to me one time was ‘Eskimo Boy‘ by Pipaluk Freuchen. Why he chose this book I do not know. This book always holds a special place in my heart not for the story but because my dad read it to me.

In first grade I fell in love with ‘Blueberries for Sal‘ by Robert McCoskey. The teacher read it to the class. Later I checked it out of the library, and eventually my dad purchased it for me from the monthly book order forms the schools sent out. I read ‘Blueberries for Sal’ to my children, who did not fall in love with the story as much as I did. This book along with ‘Eskimo Boy’ I gave to my son’s daughter.

Third grade was when I really started reading. A perfect escape from my mom and life in general. A book took me to places and things I loved. I was a horse obsessed young girl, (actually still am) and my third grade teacher, Mrs. Fletcher introduced me to ‘Billy and Blaze‘ series written and illustrated by C.W. Anderson. The stories were good, but what really captured my attention was the illustration, pencil drawings of great detail. I knew then I wanted to draw as excellent as C. W. Anderson. At age fifty, I visited the local library when I moved to where I live to see if they had any of C. W. Anderson’s books just to look at the illustration and see if my memory was correct on how wonderful the illustrations were. I was not disappointed, they were as beautiful as I remembered.

Fourth grade I was introduced to Laura Ingalls Wilder and fell in love with historical novels. I also read all the ‘Black Stallion‘ series by Walter Farley. Magreurite Henry’s books, my favorite is ‘Black Gold‘ and ‘Brighty of the Grand Canyon’. Fourth grade introduced me to ‘Where the Red Fern Grows‘ by Wilson Rawls, ‘The Yearling’ by Margorie Kinnan Rowlings, and ‘Old Yeller’ by Fred Gipson where I realized there is not always a happy ending. Books can bring truth and emotions. And books are better than the movies created from them.

As I continued through school, many books and authors added to my life. As an adult, I fell in love with J.R.R. Tolkien author of ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’ series, by first experience with fantasy. A masterpiece of creation in creating a world, various characters and life, as well as languages and culture.

College brought more books, such as my collection of Spanish authors of stories and poems all written in Spanish. I read Spanish much better than I speak Spanish.

My library holds many non-fictional reference type books on how to care for animals, horses and sheep. I also have a few self-help books. One of my favorites is ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ by Spencer Johnson. Books dealing with fear, depression and post traumatic stress disorder all to assist me at this stage in life.

When Covid-19 pandemic arrived, my memory was jogged to ‘The Stand’ by Stephen King. I had read a few of Stephen King’s books, the first being ‘The Stand’. For a person who grew up during the Cold War, there appeared to be truth written between the fictional lines. The story of a government virus escaping from a laboratory, and wrecking death on many. Who could not see the correlation. The most enjoyable book I have recently read by Stephen King is ‘On Writing’. The first half of the book tells of his childhood writing experiences, and the latter half on how to improve your writing skills. I enjoyed reading about his brother and him, sometimes wonder how they survived childhood. But then again, I wonder how I survived childhood.

Another recent author is Sara Lark and her Fire Blossom trilogy of historical novels located in New Zealand. At the end of each book she shares the actual historical events she depicts in the story. Since I am the type of reader when I read something interesting, I do research. I have learned some wonderful and fascinating places and events in New Zealand. Too bad I will not fly in a plane, as this is one place I would like to visit and see the places told about in her books as well as see the sheep farms.

Books and authors can influence, shape our lives and take us places we will desire to see. We can enter worlds of fantasy, be freaked out by story lines, figure out change or just relax with a humorous story. But to select just one is just not fair.

amtolle

A House to a Home

What people love about their home or what irritates them depends on how they use their home. My home is used for basics of eating and sleeping. I am not a person who entertains often, family do not visit often as they hundreds of miles away, except for my one daughter. Most of my time is outside with the sheep and gardening.

When we purchased our home, it was what we could afford at the time. It is an older mobile home. There are a few things that irritate me about this home. One of the things that irritate me is also found in many homes, not just mobile homes and that is popcorn textured ceiling.

Popcorn ceiling texture is easy and inexpensive to put in and a decent sound buffer. What I do not like about popcorn textured ceilings is they are hard to clean. Spiders love to build webs between the little raised bumps and dust collects on the ceiling. When a person tries to clean the ceiling, the popcorn pieces fall to the floor creating a mess.

The only other inconvenience is in the floor plan. The second bathroom is located in a corner with access through two bedrooms. It was a popular trend when the home was built, and one that did not last long. Each bedroom has access via a door, but two entries to one bathroom to me lacks privacy. Since the only time we use these two rooms and bathroom is when family is visiting overnight, it is not a major inconvenience.

One thing I noticed about this home after we purchased is there was no linen closet. Each of the four bedrooms had walk in closets, there was a coat closet, but no linen closet. I remedied that when I remodeled the master bathroom. The master bathroom had a shower and a garden tub. I removed the shower and replaced with a closet to store bedding and the vacuum cleaner. The garden tub became a large shower, a current trend.

One feature I really like about my home, and the feature I put in the building plans of my dream home when we thought we were going to build, is the 1/2 bath off the mud room. The mud room/laundry room has a half bath entry, allowing me to use without tracking through the whole house. I am a person who works outside most of the time, limiting the tracking of dirt, mud and barn yard through the whole house is great.

We are in the process of getting our home ready to sell and move. We are needing more land for the sheep farming, and we want to be closer to my daughter and her family. One element I hope our new home will have is the bathroom off the mud room so I am not tracking through the house.

amtolle

What They See, What is Truth

Bloganuary Prompt for Day #19: What color describes your personality and why?

In looking at the personality color wheel, people would think I was yellow and green. I am motivated, enthusiastic in what I am doing, cheering everyone to join me in the task. I talk to those I see as if I know no strangers. I encourage others and inspire them to be the best that they can be. I appear to be an extrovert with a sunny and bubbly personality. I put forth what I want people to see me as.

The truth, I am a serious introvert. I prefer to be alone, and away from people. I am extremely logical and analytical even in my social interactions. Everything and all interactions are thought through, analyzed and put into a logical order. All my social interactions, I have learned. Being social is not easy, my mind does not recognize if someone is mad, happy or sad. I have taught myself what those expressions are and what they mean. When I see a new expression, I have to learn by asking questions to determine which emotion the person is exhibiting, then commit the expression to memory.

Those who are around me at the sheep sales and my co-workers think I am a happy person, always sunshine, and can see the best in any situation. The truth, I fight depression on a daily basis. Every day, all day, I fight off the depression that wants to creep in and stop me from doing anything. I force myself to be motivated, to keep going, and to see the sunshine in each day.

Life experience has taught me not to trust people. Just like myself, people put on a mask, a front to hide what they truly feel.

I appear to be sunflowers, sunshine, birds singing and butterflies. What is truly there is twilight, stillness and quiet, with sometimes rain.

amtolle

Favorite Foods

Bloganuary Prompt for Day 18: What is your favorite food to eat or cook?

I do not have a particular favorite food. When I am hungry for or craving a certain meal, I prepare that meal. I do have foods I prepare or eat for different celebrations.

Christmas meal is Navajo Tacos or Native American Tacos. A piece of fry bread is placed on a plate then covered with chili. There are various toppings that can then be layered on top: lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cheese, black olives, sour cream and guacamole.

The chili I make what is referred to as New Mexico green chili. New Mexico Green Chili is made with ground pork, but I use ground lamb, green chilis, onion, garlic, and tomatillos and some spices.

For Easter we have a Bar BQ of smoked brisket, potato salad, fruit salad and a vegetable. Deserts are big with pies and cakes. I put a dry rub on the brisket 24 hours before smoking, to let the flavors soak in. The day before Easter, I will smoke the brisket, an all day task. When the brisket is smoked I will let it cool and place in the refrigerator. Early Easter morning, I wrap the smoked brisket in foil, and place in the oven on low temperature to cook until noon, when we eat. Cooking in the oven, allows the brisket to be more tender, and to be the right temperature to serve.

Our wedding anniversary is always celebrate with our yearly visit to Red Lobster. We both enjoy lobster. Lobster is a meal I do not cook. And who should cook on the anniversary? What we eat from the menu varies eat year. The celebration of another year of marriage with a once a year treat is special.

amtolle

Happy Times

Bloganuary Prompt #17: Describe the happiest day of your life.

I have lived many moons and many winters. I would be what others would call the fall season of my life. Each year and season brought times of happiness. To say there is one day that is my happiest would not be possible.

As a child, one of my happy days was when I purchased my first horse at the age of nine from my fourth grade teacher. My dad told me I needed to look at a horse before finalizing the deal, something I carry with me even today. Or was the happiest day when my family went to the county fair, and dad took me to the horse races. Watching the horse walk past the stands, their coats gleaming in the sun. The tension waiting for the gate to open, then a rush of horses as they raced to the finish line. Or perhaps when I graduated from high school at the age of sixteen. I was not valedictorian, but I did lead the pledge of allegiance, my first speaking event.

Then comes the season of motherhood. I have four children. Each child born filled my heart with love and joy. How can I determine which one made me happier than the other? Watching them, guiding them as they grew. Each one made me proud. Their graduations were happy occasions covered with parental pride.

Years go by. Children are grown. Then the grandchildren start joining our family. I have fifteen grandchildren living. Each one’s arrive was a time of celebration and joy. How does one determine which one made you happier than the other?

My life has been filled with happy moments. Children graduating from high school then college. Marriages and grandchildren. Birthdays and Christmases.

One happiest day I do not have. A lifetime filled with happy moments I do possess.

amtolle

Whispering Pines

Bloganuary prompt for day #16 : Do you have a memory that’s linked to smell?

The smell of pine trees bring forth a flood of pleasant memories from my past. Not the scented pinecones smelt at Christmas. The smell of Spruce and Ponderous pines reaching towards the sky in the mountains of Colorado.

My adoptive dad fought for my adoption as my adoptive mother did not want to adopt me. This followed through my childhood and beyond. I was daddy’s girl. Once a year we would go on a week long camping trip for fishing. My dad taught me how to watch the shy brook trout in the rivers. I learned to fish in the meadow lakes. Walked the pathways and deer trails learning how not get lost and to find my way back to camp. Watching wildlife and learning how they travel and what their tracks looked like. Enjoying the beauty of wildflowers and butterflies.

The once a year camping trips were a special time of my dad sharing the knowledge of the forest and those who occupied it. It was also the short time of year, I was away from my mother. My mother was always fishing and the children were to stay away and not disturb. Hence, freedom to explore and spent some precious time with our dad. My dad worked long hours, and often away from home. The week of being together without the interference of work was special.

The whispering pines also bring back memories during my adult life. Friends camping and horseback riding in the mountains. The knowledge I gained from my dad was most helpful on these trips. Most of those friends are gone now. And I am far from the mountains I grew up and lived near most of my life.

The smell of the whispering pines returns me home, at least in my heart and mind.

amtolle