Adjusting to change with a different daily schedule, different responsibilities, and different roles presents challenges, and sometimes letting go of duties and things. January 2023 is now past, a month with a few big challenges in my life.
Sometimes a person works at a business, performing to their best ability and doing what is asked, only to become the “go to” person when solving a situation that should be solved using another method. That is what I had become, but with a toxic twist. I was the only employee being questioned and asked to provide proof by listing in detail how I used my working hours. I realized the working environment was becoming toxic for me. So, quietly I started looking for other employment. Then the day arrived I was given a task I was able to perform, but should not perform, the task of moving almost 500 cases of items from pallets to carts to then be put on the store shelves.
I performed the task in an organized and orderly fashion, methodically placing each case on the cart designated for a specific aisle. When I was on the last pallet, with the cases nearly totally removed, the manager stated “You make this look easy.” Perhaps a compliment, but also a subtle way of informing me I would be doing this task in the future on a consistent basis. My body was already angry with me, my core muscles would tighten like a boa constrictor during bouts of spasms. I completed the task three minutes after I was scheduled to end working that day. I left the store, with the thought of not going past my scheduled hours and my body expressing its anger at my actions. After arriving home, the manager texted me asking why I had left. She had told me to only work my scheduled hours, not go over. Why was she now asking why I had left?
The next morning, my body was still very angry at me with the continued core muscle spasms accompanied by stiff muscles. I texted the manager at 5 AM to inform her I was unable to get out of bed. Which was truth, I would go to rise, and my body would revolt with tight spasms making it difficult to breath and pain. A hot bath was what was needed, some stretching and being quiet to allow the muscles to recuperate from the overwork they had done. Reflecting on the past month and pain I was currently feeling, I decided to hand in a two week notice. I was not going to perform that specific task any more, plus all of the other requirements.
I wrote a resignation letter, being specific, and clear as to why I was resigning. This is a tough decision for me to make. I very strongly dislike looking for work. I get super nervous during interviews, with every word and action under a microscope used to determine if I am qualified for a position and if I would fit into their program. Then there is the feelings of rejection when not chosen to fill the vacancy. Upon handing to letter of resignation to the manager, I knew I would have to work at looking for work, and endure the challenges and nerves of being hired to work with another company.
After handing in my resignation letter, on a whim, with the slim hope of not having to go through the interview interrogation, I made a phone call to the meat department supervisor and asked if there was a place I could transfer to. I told him of the task that made my body angry, and of having to account for every minute I spent working in the meat department, and I had already turned in a letter of resignation. He said he thought he had a place for me but would have to contact another supervisor over the stores, and get back to me. Being a proactive person, I was not going to hold my breath and wait, I started looking for employment and submitting resumes.
In a matter of twenty-four hours, two supervisors had arranged an instant transfer of me to another store. Arrangements were made for me to meet the meat department manager of the store I would be working at within a 48 hours after I turned in my letter of resignation. We met, and worked out a schedule for my starting week. First day of work, the meat department manager asked me questions on why I was transferred, and the reasons. I answered honestly. They also informed my transfer was done between two district supervisors, and quicker than the two weeks transfers usually take.
Currently, I am having to prove myself to be a good employee and meat department person. There is scuttle butt or water cooler talk around the store I am a trouble maker. So, I am having to look past what others may think of me. Keep my mouth quiet about why I am there, and just be me. Once again showing people who I am, but competing with predetermined images. The rhythm of the workforce in the world.
I long for the days of just being with the sheep on the farm. They do miss my tender care, although my husband is starting to understand their ways. Our roles have been reversed. I am working 40 hours a week, doing an occupation I enjoy, but an environment that is not so friendly. He now has the task of caring for sheep and horses, washing the dishes and vacuuming the floors. I still decide what to cook for meals, as my meal planning is healthier. There are times he does the cooking, following my instructions. We are working together more to get projects done on the farm, as I find it difficult to completely let go of the farm projects and plans I had made. We look for balance, and gradually we are changing how things are getting completed.
This is not what I had planned when he no longer worked and became retired. My plans were for him to work a few more years, with my part-time work adding to getting things paid off and improvements. Now we are in a season of searching for ways to increase our income from the homestead. Learning a new rhythm for our days and the months ahead. Feeling unstable but still on solid ground, with questions on what is going to happen in the future.
There are seasons in the year, although the seasons do not arrive or leave on the calendar date, the seasons still come and go. Each season has its own rhythm of sunshine and moisture, wind and stillness. So it is with life, we are currently leaving one season and entering another. There will be days of sunshine and days of rain. Sometimes the wind will blow us hither and yonder, and sometimes we will brace against the wind. Then there will be times of stillness when we can enjoy where we are, and embrace the moment. Time will move forward, and we will change seasons once more together.
amtolle
Me, Myself and I 